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Hey everyone, welcome to the show! Today, I have a special guest, Jaiya, who’s a sexologist. I’m excited to be part of this conversation because it’s all about keeping an open mind and learning more. It’s also interesting to explore what each person aims to achieve.
As I delved into Jaiya’s work, I discovered that it’s not so different from my own interests. For me, it’s about movement, food, community practices, and optimizing who we are as individuals. We all strive to be our best selves in various aspects of life, whether it’s work, relationships, or parenthood. Jaiya’s work aligns with this mindset, as she focuses on honoring our true selves, especially sexually, to fully optimize our lives.
Sexuality is often associated with secrecy and darkness, but in reality, it’s a natural and healthy part of being human. The better our relationship with it, the more it thrives in the light. It’s important to express our desires and needs in intimate relationships, regardless of our relationship status or gender.
Resources Mentioned:
- Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied
- Blow Each Other Away
- Red Hot Touch
- @missjaiya
- www.GabrielleReece.com
- @gabbyreece
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TimeStamps
- [00:04:24] God and Sex
- [00:10:52] Sex and Erotic
- [00:12:57] Pleasure Finding vs. Seeking
- [00:17:25] The Blueprints
- [00:25:02] Rich Experience
- [00:44:58] Shape Shifter
- [00:48:20] Spiritual Act
- [00:53:06] True Intimacy
- [00:56:42] CPTSD
- [00:59:35] Kids and Sex
- [01:02:29] Sex Is A Part of Health
- [01:06:44] Night vs. Morning
- [01:07:07] Sensual Show
- [01:12:19] Life Is Not Sexy
- [01:13:06] Kink Game
- [01:23:22] Technology
- [01:28:04] Wooing Jaiya
Show Transcript:
[00:01:49] Gabby Reece: So, Jaya, welcome. To the show again, before we were with Neal, I was in a bikini. Yes. We were in the truth barrel. I love doing the truth barrel does create limitations though. A lot of people are like, Oh, what do you mean? We’re going to be in a sauna and a bathing suit.
[00:02:13] Jaiya: I loved it. I love being hot though. Like having all that heat on my body. It just, it feels like
[00:02:19] Gabby Reece: home. The thing about the sauna too, because you are in bikinis and you’re exposed. And you’re only going to be in there 15 or 20 minutes.
You have to get to the point. Yeah. So, we were just talking about not hacking our way through everything and that certain things not only see, because I think when people think the alternative, I think, Oh, everything has to be work. And you said something really important. You said, no, you can, it can be fun, but it does take time.
Yeah. And when thinking about this conversation, what I like about having this conversation with you is. And I feel like we cover a spectrum that we’re very different types of people. So, it’s an opportunity to really talk about all sides of a spectrum around intimacy, sexuality, pleasure rather than, oh, we’re so similar.
And what occurred to me, and it was after, cause I talked to Amy. And she said something that I thought, this is how I wanted to start this conversation that like I am trying to do through maybe movement and nutrition, which is be my full and whole potential self. You are actually having that same conversation, but through pleasure versus we’re talking about sex, right?
That this is a much more spiritual and an invitation. It feels like in your new book, your blueprint for pleasure and even that you have a quiz and things like that, it’s no, we’re just, you’re just trying to encourage people to say, Hey, optimize your whole self. . And one of the, and one of those avenues is through intimacy, sexuality, and sexuality.
Yeah. So, it really reframed it for me. Cause I think we hear sexuality and it has this whole other idea. Like it’s separate. There’s me, the person, the spiritual being, all these other things. And then there’s my sexuality
[00:04:09] Jaiya: way over here. I used to say that one of the biggest mistakes we ever made was taking the spirituality. Out of the bedroom, taking God out of sex. It’s all part. We’re all here because of sexuality in some way. And that’s part of life and it’s designed that way.
[00:04:24] Gabby Reece: How, there’s always like a few bad actors that realize that like, when we talk about God and religion, that they go, Oh, we can manipulate this whole group because, and we can make rules.
So, in your Perfect world. If you were to go back and say, Hey, what would that look like? That union of God and goodness and sexuality and maybe how that was, how it’s meant to be versus we’ve turned it, especially in the U S we’re really afraid of sex, right? It’s dirty. We’re fine with guns and violence and killing nudity and sexuality is like really freaks us out.
[00:04:58] Jaiya: Yeah, it never made sense to me, ever, even as a little kid, I’d be like, why are we watching violence? Like, why is that not, why is this okay? To see blood and people in hate, and it’s not okay to see people in pleasure. It never, ever made sense to me.
[00:05:13] Gabby Reece: Do you think it’s because sometimes when you, and again, I have this, I think I have this linear kind of personality and also, I grew up with very freewheeling adults.
So, it pushed me the other way, right? If that makes sense. And again, I was born in 1970. So, if you can imagine those adults at that time, I lived in the Caribbean. And so, in a way you thought, Oh, pleasure and sexuality have this out of control ness. To it.
[00:05:39] Jaiya: Afraid of that Dionysian aspect of the Bacchus aspect, where if we actually go down that road, it’s going to become wild and out of control. Right.
[00:05:48] Gabby Reece: And so maybe let’s say we’re starting fresh right now. Cause I, and that’s my whole thing about learning is in your, as somebody who isn’t intimidated by it or think, you feel. compelled to go towards it. What about sexuality was something that you thought, Oh, I’m going to dive deeper into this. Like they’re getting it wrong. I’m going to really try to understand what it’s supposed to be.
[00:06:14] Jaiya: Yeah. I was really young when it became a mission for me, and I must’ve seen Dr. Ruth or something on television. She’s amazing. I told my parents that I wanted to go into fertility medicine because that was a safe thing to go into instead of saying, I actually really would love to teach the world about sexuality, and it was something I was really drawn to.
I was the one who like taught all of my friends. It wasn’t the stork. Let me tell you the truth about what’s really going on here. Like six or seven years old. Wow. Yeah. And I would go to the library and I would sneak into the section that had the sex books so that I could learn, and I could read and learn about it.
I grew up Roman Catholic, so this was like very taboo even then for me to be like sneaking. So that’s why I would go to the library, spend hours in the library getting books and researching these things because there was a natural curiosity in me. But there was also, I had this. Even as a young age they’re lying somebody’s lying to us by telling us the Stork story or telling us that this is somehow wrong.
There has to be other information out there that shows a different way and a different route. So, when I was 19, I got involved in tantric sex because it was actually something that still blended spirituality with sexuality. In it. History, and when we look at religion from Eastern culture, there was often the right handed path or the aesthetic path, the path that was renounced the world.
And then there’s also the path of the tantrikas that came along a little later, which was no, we can be in the world and still become Buddhas. And women can become Buddhas, and householders can become Buddhas. And that was the difference between the right hand, renounce the world, and the left hand, no, let’s embrace the world.
And sexuality is part of that. And they actually saw sex as a tool. And I believe my definition of sex is a tool for our own inner awakening to who we really are. And it’s how are you using the tool just like anything else? I think all roads lead to that path. All roads lead to our own awakening, our own self-realization. And sex is just one of those tools.
[00:08:18] Gabby Reece: It’s just interesting because it’s been isolated to behind a closed door and it’s been, it has become so other. It’s that other side of myself. I’ve even, I, when you talk, I go, Oh, like even in my relationship, I’ve said. That’s that place I can, I get to express that side of myself, that with that person.
And that the things that, Laird has brought out in me was he’s, that’s the only time I’m that person. Expressing that way. Yeah. And that always felt. Like for you lack, like just to abbreviate it I don’t want to say clean, but it was like, no, I’m in the, I’m in it, I’m with you, we’re do like, I’m, we’re doing all the other things.
We’re having children and as far as like being responsible and making sure houses are cleaned up and foods getting made. And it felt like just another opportunity to express the side of yourself. I’m just curious for like you’re thinking. It’s like people have really different ideas about. No, I can express that sort of woven throughout my life.
Like, how does that maybe help me understand that better? Because again, it’s like you do have it isolated. It’s not liked our kids don’t know we have sex. One is like totally chill about it. So is another. The youngest one. It’s I don’t want to hear. How old are your girls now? They’re old.
They’re 15, 19. And then we have an adult. daughter. The older two never had were weird. The younger one is still in; do you guys have to kiss in front of me? And, or whatever. Yeah. And she was the one who, when she was six said to me. Wait, let me get this straight.
You say that you and dad are, need some alone time. When I’m, I need alone time, I’m by myself. When you need alone time, you’re together. And I used to joke with her and say, do you want to have Christmas in two different houses? Like parents need to have this other time together or it’s just not going to, it’s not going to last.
[00:10:21] Jaiya: I think that’s absolutely 100 percent true.
[00:10:23] Gabby Reece: She did ponder wanting to have Christmas in two different houses though. Of course. Because she thought, I think she was doing the math, like what would I get more presents or whatever. Smart one. But from your point of view. It’s like training goes in.
It’s not limited to the gym. It could be outside. Food is throughout the day. These are all, re learning and education work. So, for you, from your point of view, where does sex live in our lives?
[00:10:52] Jaiya: I think it’s an interesting conversation, the difference between sex and the erotic. And it’s why I created erotic blueprints versus just the sexual blueprint.
And for me, the erotic is infused in everything. It is the life force. And so, everything in life is erotic. I also think about, too, in hearing your question, the pilot light of our aliveness. The pilot light of our eroticism. Staying on versus allowing that pilot light to go off. And then we’re like, okay, now we’re in the bedroom, and now I got to be in the mood.
But how are you feeding pleasure through the day, how are you washing your hair when you’re in the shower? How are you breathing? How are you, when you’re in your workout, can you bring that element of life force and aliveness into your body and into an embodiment that then carries through when you get into the bedroom? Now you’ve already got your pilot light lit and there isn’t like now we got to start something.
[00:11:50] Gabby Reece: That’s a really interesting point. And that’s why I said I was so glad to talk to you because I’m very again, I’ll use my youngest daughter. She’s Oh, you’re very practical. I’m not so much an extra person, if that makes sense.
And so, I think it’s an interesting idea. But when you hear the word erotic, you think it’s isolated to something else. But you’re really just saying, Hey, the pleasure and enjoyment Transcribed of throughout your life and how you live your life. Yeah,
[00:12:18] Jaiya: we have a thing within our company called Pleasure First. And it’s even something as simple as, are you celebrating your achievements? Are you celebrating, are you taking a moment to take a breath and go, Ah, I did this thing? And that’s pleasurable. Or, let me just change the way I’m sitting in this seat so that it could be more pleasurable. And becoming even more aware of my body and where it is in space.
Or am I breathing or am I holding my breath right now? Am I here, am I present with the person who I’m with? Am I looking in their eyes? Am I open? Or am I closed? And am I actually not here because I’m off thinking about the 50, 000 things or in technology? And technology. Technology.
[00:12:57] Gabby Reece: I heard you say. And doing and getting ready for this conversation. Pleasure finding versus seeking.
[00:13:04] Jaiya: Yeah, I think this is a really important piece, because if we’re always seeking something, then we’re always seeking. We’re never having. So, if we’re finding pleasure, then we’re having pleasure. Even just right now, as people are listening to this, they can just scan right now.
Most people, when they go to scan their body, they’re scanning for where it doesn’t feel good. Or that’s the first thing that comes to their attention. And so, this is an opportunity to scan for actually, where are you resourced? Where does it feel good? Where’s your breath living in your body? Is there something in your pinky toe that just feels really delicious?
And can you bring more awareness to that? As we bring awareness to that pleasure grows within ourselves.
[00:13:41] Gabby Reece: I really appreciated that point because I think we’re trained. It’s almost liked our neuropathways in our brain, or something is just trained to notice only the discomfort, not to really appreciate that subtle all the things that are good, right?
And beautiful happening all the time. Even if it’s Just noticing it as you’re moving through, through life and you and Ian work very hard together. I have to ask because I work with my husband, but not imagine you guys are like at this level of where you’re working together from that I found so interesting that you could do that.
And then how would you bring, push that all out and then just have your own practice as a couple? How do you, how, what’s the art that you guys have figured out on how you can talk about this and then actually really live it? Yeah.
[00:14:39] Jaiya: I think that’s a really important piece. We were even just saying yesterday in the car as we were sitting in Los Angeles traffic, we’re like, every time I do these interviews, sometimes it’s Oh yeah, I remember that thing.
And let’s practice that more. Let’s put into practice that thing I just said or just taught or talked about with a client. We forgot that piece. Let’s practice that. Bring that back. And so, we have these conversations of where have we allowed things to fall off? And can we bring back some of the, and one of the things I was talking about is making everything orgasmic.
Can we take every moment, even though it seems like it’s a rough moment and turn it into pleasure and make it orgasmic and make that part of our practice. So, we have practices and we have the tools and it’s like we have to actually use the tools that we teach and write about and speak about. And the other thing I think that really shifted for us was I used to be the boss lady.
And the CEO and now he’s the CEO of the company. And that dynamic really shifted things for us as well as I’ve moved more out and spend more time with our son and do what I think people would consider more feminine things and switching the polarities a little in our dynamic. And then the other, I think really important piece is we set aside.
Intimacy time that is just in our busyness and everything that’s going on. It’s okay, we have this time every Friday night that is our intimate time and we get to decide within that what is intimate for us. So that could be using one of our tools that could be making love with each other. That could be something that starts to excite us in our own lives and gets that energy
[00:16:13] Gabby Reece: What if you’re really tired and you’re, it’s been, you’ve been traveling and sometimes like the most replenishing thing is that quietness or the stillness that helps you get back on an axis. I don’t think there’s always a middle place, a balance. I just think an access of some sort. Do you guys ever allow that time to be that still and allow.
[00:16:38] Jaiya: 100 percent 100 percent I’m a person who needs, I resource in the alone and in the still and in the quiet. So, we do our best to create that for ourselves within our home, within, when we’re traveling on the road that we’re having those moments of still quite so that I can resource.
He’s the opposite. He like. He wants to go out and do things and play and that resources him. So, it’s about knowing what resources us and brings us back to each other fuller in each other. And I think the other thing that’s really important for me is having some kind of practice. But there are things in life that happen.
Illness, tired, overworked, the world, just things that are happening in the world sometimes can take us into a place where. There is a need to replenish and for some people, for some blueprints, it is replenishing to have sex. And for other blueprints, it, they need to feel replenished in order to have sex.
[00:17:35] Gabby Reece: Let’s, we, let’s break down the blueprints. I did take the quiz, of course, because, I think I was surprised If I recall, Ian is a sensual kinky. Okay. So, he actually needs to be brought to the place a little bit. Exactly what I was saying.
[00:17:52] Jaiya: He needs to resource first. That’s what made me think of that. In order to want to have sex.
[00:17:55] Gabby Reece: He likes to get naughty a little bit. Yes. I like that. So, these words. Again, I’m going to, I’m going to be your sort of blue-collar person who weirdly because my parents or stepfather and my mom were more almost open and liberal.
[00:18:14] Jaiya: You became more conservative? Yeah.
[00:18:16] Gabby Reece: And it’s not even conservative. Do it. People should do what they want. I don’t mean that just in my, maybe my own practice in a certain way, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t like, Hey, let me explore. But there was probably what would one would consider conventionalness around it. So, when you hear words like, bring the erotic to everything, I think people, we’ve got the wrong idea about what the words actually mean.
I agree. Cause when you say it and I see the stillness in your face, when you say it, it’s like, oh yeah, she doesn’t mean it actually. And what it means. Or the orgasmic. It’s I can see people like, they’re hustling to work with their tie on thinking you’re eating a yogurt going, Oh my God. It’s that’s not what you mean. I think it’s really important that subtlety about what these words mean and how they’ve been used versus really what they bring to us.
[00:19:16] Jaiya: I think that’s why I called it the erotic blueprints was because eroticism encompasses a wholeness and eroticism is the art of life.
And that celebration of life is our eroticism and the artistry are what we bring to a sexual experience. And so, sex, if I call them the sexual blueprints, there is a sexual blueprint, but that is different. than eroticism. And I think whether people conflate the two, that sex, which is intercourse in the limited definition of what sex is for the majority of people, whereas you heard my definition earlier, which is sex is actually a tool for our awakening.
That’s a very different definition than intercourse. Intercourse is intercourse, but sex encompasses so much.
[00:20:04] Gabby Reece: So, in the blueprints, that brings up a lot of thoughts for me I can see them. Yeah. I was like, Oh yeah. So, there’s five types. How did you land on them? Can we talk about each one? Absolutely. People are often a combination.
[00:20:16] Jaiya: Yes. And so, I landed on them. I’ve been in practice for 30 years. And I’m a somatic sexologist. And so, what that means is I’ve been working with a lot of people’s bodies. I have the idea that it’s not just sex in our mind. It’s what is the body saying? And sometimes those are two different things.
And so, can we get online to see what is actually really happening with a human being as they’re being in arousal? And so, in my practice, one day, I was working with a client who was struggling with erectile function. And he… really was feeling disconnected from his wife and she was feeling like she couldn’t win.
She was just like, I’ve tried all the magazine things, all the tips. I’ve read all the, sex tips and tools and techniques. And she’s trying all these things, and nothing is working between the two of them. And they’re getting more and more estranged. Because when
[00:21:04] Gabby Reece: you put that stress around it, it even just makes it, it gets worse.
[00:21:09] Jaiya: Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Because then now they’ve got pressure. And then every time you go to have sex, there’s this awkwardness or this, it just all starts to break down. And we were there in my office and I’m just assessing, feeling out. He’s on the massage table and I’m having her hover her hands and we’re hovering our hands over his body.
And his body starts to get these waves, these undulations, just very subtly moving through his body. And his breath starts to shift, and he starts to get color in his face. And she’s looking at me a little what’s happening? And then he gets an erection. And she’s stumped like what we’re just holding our hands like a few feet over his body and he’s his eyes like open up because his body starts to really shake and start to vibrate and he goes, what is happening?
And I said, you’re just wired differently. You’re not wired sexually, you’re wired energetically, which means you like a lot of space, anticipation, tease. The space in between is where all the turn on is, in the longing and the yearning and the anticipation of what’s about to happen. And with all of the sex techniques, there was no space for that.
It was all collapsed. And so now we just opened up his eroticism, which doesn’t have to do with actual physical touch, but more in the energetic field.
[00:22:31] Gabby Reece: And you’d think for, let’s, if we get real back to basics, a lot of guys wouldn’t realize that they would need that.
[00:22:36] Jaiya: Because we think of in our culture that all men are sexual. Yeah.
[00:22:40] Gabby Reece: And I find I’ll be totally honest when you said that earlier, I find because my husband is braver. or more emotionally courageous and willing to be vulnerable. He would much rather cuddle more and do all that. And I’m like, yeah, I can’t be bothered with this. And that’s the way Ian and I were. The clock’s running and, yeah, we got to get back to things.
And yeah, and he’s I, it’s so I, I just also want to remind people that it’s not as it seems. And by the way, being wanting one or the other, is it more of something or not? But what I feel is that he is. His intimacy or his intimate capacity is greater, which also makes me think that he, that there’s a braveness to that, that I don’t. And I can say it cause I’m on the other side that I feel like, Oh, you’re, you haven’t fully gotten there yet.
[00:23:31] Jaiya: Yeah. I think it takes a certain amount of courage to start to explore in this realm and that courage of Oh, this feels edgy, but I’m going to dive in. I’m curious about that and I want to really dive into it. I think.
[00:23:42] Gabby Reece: Yeah. So how, okay. So, you started to realize Oh wait, there’s different types. So maybe just share the five types the blueprints. And again, people can be a bit of this and that.
[00:23:55] Jaiya: Absolutely. Percentages of all of them. Yeah. So energetic. That was the one I was just talking about, the anticipation space tease. The superpower of the energetic is that you can have orgasms without even needing to be touched. You can go into these expanded states of consciousness and have the variety of the orgasmic experiences very large in terms of a multidimensional sexuality or transpersonal sexuality.
So, when I say transpersonal Stan Groff, I’m a big fan of Stan Groff. Was a pioneer in transpersonal psychology and the transpersonal realms are things like, Oh my gosh, we’re soulmates? Like that moment in sex where you’re like, we’ve done this before. Like we’ve had some kind of connection before this.
It’s a very energetic type. of experience or even feeling like you’re seeing visuals, like on a psychedelic experience, that can be something that can happen for energetics as well. Lucky for them. Yeah. Especially if they get the right partner. Especially if you have, if they have somebody who really knows how to play.
[00:24:56] Gabby Reece: It’d be a bummer if they didn’t, but that sounds like they have a sort of rich, Experience. A
[00:25:02] Jaiya: very rich experience. Very expansive experience. Yeah. The shadow side of that is hypersensitivity. So too much, too quick, too fast, they’re going to dissociate out of their body. Oftentimes energetics has unhealed trauma in their history, and it’s created a hypervigilance in their nervous system where it’s really hard for them to take too much too fast quickly.
They just short circuit. And then it’s also hard for them to say no, to say, wait a minute, slow down, stop. Instead, their body starts to build up armoring.
[00:25:30] Gabby Reece: Yeah, that makes sense. What if, what do you see especially, when you hear how many people have had some type of sexual trauma of sorts when someone comes to you and you, is, how do you get them to meet that and then move? What are some of the steps? Cause I, I think there’s a lot more people, even if it’s just when they were young and had their first partner and nobody knew what they were doing and it didn’t go well or, you know, which so many of us have had that experience. Yeah. How do you, what is a way people can start to look at that and start to heal? So that they can have a richer adult sex life.
[00:26:14] Jaiya: I think the first step is the awareness, like you’re saying. It’s okay, I’m aware how many people think about their sexual history in this way to comb through and go. Maybe that wasn’t the best experience. And then how did that cause the way that I am today in my sexuality?
And so first is just to gain awareness of some of the material that may actually be there around sex. And what are the belief systems that got created out of that? What is the meaning? And then what are the actions and events that come from that? And looking at that and then go, Okay, now I’m committed to unraveling that and healing these aspects of myself.
I really love parts work. I didn’t know I was doing it at the beginning, but have come to understand more about IFS internal family systems over time and really looking at what part of me didn’t get to develop past that moment? What part of me is still scared? What part of me has judgment about my body?
What part, what aspect of me is having this and what is the charge behind that aspect? And then how do I now integrate that? And that can be, there’s a number of different kinds of techniques. Accelerated evolution is one that I really love and work with a lot in my practice, which is now let’s take that part and see what its goal was.
What did it want for you? And we keep going up a chain of goals until there’s no more goals left. And there’s something that happens for people that’s really. Quite beautiful, where they go into a state called pleroma, and that state is a state of nothingness, a state of emptiness, where that aspect now has integrated into wholeness again, because we were able to go through what that part of you actually wanted and needed and needs, because I think all these parts of ourselves are trying to lead us home.
They’re trying to lead us into more wholeness of self and that goes true for our sexuality as well. So that’s one way. And then another way is somatically. Cause sometimes these artifacts, I call them artifacts of trauma are hidden in the body. And so, what happens is there a pain in the body. And I actually created a body work modality of going through and going, okay, there’s something physical here.
The muscles are tight. Something’s out of alignment. There’s something weak here, whatever that may be, that’s physically happening. And then underneath that layer of physicality, once we start to bring that back online or we loosen that muscle or whatever is happening there, then we can move into the psyche emotional aspect.
So, what emotion is behind this? And then underneath that, there may be a transpersonal layer. of some kind of belief system or archetypes or something like that’s there, and then we move into truth. And so, we can take any part of the body and move it back into truth and back into wholeness.
[00:28:53] Gabby Reece: It’s so interesting because, there’s, it’s like a multi. It’s step by step undoing it. And it’s so worth it though, because this idea of just suffering or bottling up or locking, hunching down and muscling through, well, because then not only do you, those individuals suffer, but they’re also missing out and the people around them, they’re not getting to.
Connect and experience each other as wholly as possible. Okay. So, we have the energetic and the sensual next. Yeah. You like that one? Look at her. See that? Look at Ian’s perked up there too. He’s a sensual.
[00:29:37] Jaiya: So, the sensual is someone who’s turned on by their senses being ignited.
That’s taste, smell, the beauty of an environment, and the touch. And so, where’s an energetic is all the space in between the touch. The sensual likes to collapse the space. So, you talked about your partner, wanting to cuddle. That’s a very sensual. Same thing with Ian, he would come to bed and want to cuddle and I, we had a new baby and I’m like, what are you cuddling with me for? Can’t we just get to it?
[00:30:06] Gabby Reece: This kid’s going to wake up soon, buddy. 15 minutes. Yeah.
[00:30:13] Jaiya: So, we would have this interesting thing where I would come to bed at night and he’d cuddle with me and I’d be like, Oh God, like I roll internally, he’s cuddling with me again. And I would do things like touch his genitals and he’d be like, why is she being so obvious?
[00:30:30] Gabby Reece: I can just see okay. For Ian. He’s I was thinking my shoulder. Yeah, exactly. Like, all right. And just grab his package. Yeah. And I feel are
[00:30:41] Jaiya: we going to have sex or not? And then he’d roll over. And then I stopped. start the, in my head, right? The, he doesn’t want me anymore. Like all that. Now we have a baby.
[00:30:51] Gabby Reece: Isn’t it crazy how we go there?
[00:30:53] Jaiya: It is crazy how we go there. And as a sexologist, this was a really rough time, but then I learned he was sensual as we went on and the blueprint started to develop. This was at the time of my practice where I’m like, I got to solve my own sexual problem.
And that’s when the blueprints got born really was out of me trying to figure out this guy. He was cuddling with me and I just, and I was strip teasing. I had like my G string on. I was doing those cat pounce things in front of him. And he’s what are you doing?
[00:31:19] Gabby Reece: Can you imagine if you’re not in that frame of mind and this person’s doing all this performance and they’re just like, yeah, it was, maybe we could hold hands a little bit.
What are you doing? You like this, you like that.
[00:31:32] Jaiya: I asked him how he wanted to be seduced. And you’re a professional. I know. I know all the tips and techniques. What are you doing? Why do you want me?
[00:31:41] Gabby Reece: But, oh, yeah. How do you want me to get you around? Around. Yeah. It’s like when a guy. Yeah. I think it’s so interesting too. It’s like the minute that’s the thing of this fine line. I appreciate that everyone’s having conversations around consent, but for me personally, if you, if someone, if I was younger and had a new relationship and they were like, do you consent to me putting my hand on your breast?
I’d be like, yeah, it’s over. Get off, get away. Can’t you read the signal? It’s yes or no. So anyway, so you asked him. I asked him
[00:32:10] Jaiya: about seduction and he sent me like, There’s this video that was out on like couples kissing or like talking about kissing and I was like, really like this, it was like some black and white, like with a nice sensual song and they’re just like talking about how they wanted to be kissed and I was really surprised because again, I even as a sexologist, I was six and a half years in at this point and I had this supposition that all men, would be turned on by these things that are sexual. And so, I had to learn eroticism. It’s different, isn’t
[00:32:44] Gabby Reece: it? Very different. And I think, and I’m going to overgeneralize, so you can correct me if I’m wrong. I feel that the more the male has the capacity to truly cherish the female, that vulnerability, I think the probably they would, most of them would skew more on that side, it feels because it’s, if they’re out in the world and it’s okay, I’m. Have this energy out in the world, but I have found this person that I’m really willing to be with. It feels like in some ways I always feel like they actually are more sensitive than the female really when it comes, like I, every hyper masculine guy I meet and that’s other, they’ve they share a lot of these traits, which is they seem in the end really more heart.
Driven. . Because we still if stuff goes on, we still have to like, take care of kids and do stuff. So, I think even though we cry and do all this stuff, and maybe majority of us are smaller I actually think it’s the male that has this sort of deeper capacity.
[00:33:51] Jaiya: It’s really interesting. I think that we underestimate. Yes. In a very big way. And we’ve done them a disservice, especially around sexuality and how we’ve projected onto them what their sexuality looks like. And so, we’ve had over almost 3 million people take the quiz now and we ask people what their gender is. So, we have some stats now on looking at that and what’s really was fascinating to me because I think all people think that men are sexual.
And that was my supposition with my partner, right? If I touch his cock, if I say, let’s have sex, if I do strip tease, like this is going to turn him on. And what we found through the quiz is, yes, there is a high percentage of sexual, but it’s really across the whole board that men have all of the erotic blueprints.
And I think this idea that they’re simple is really doing us a disservice as their lovers and not allowing them their full range of expression in eroticism and the depth of their sensitivity and the depth of what their hearts can bring.
[00:34:48] Gabby Reece: I think that’s really important to be reminded instead of slapping on this so overly simplistic definition of like. Oh, they have testosterone and an erection and they’re good to go. Yeah, it’s unfair.
[00:35:00] Jaiya: No, not true. Not true at all. And 30 years of practice. Yeah. That is not at all how it works. And I think even men think that’s how they’re supposed to work. That’s the problem is they don’t realize. So, then they come to me and go, what’s wrong with me? I’m like, nothing’s wrong with you. You’re just not wired the way that society has created a standard narrative about you.
[00:35:18] Gabby Reece: Yeah. Okay.
[00:35:20] Jaiya: So, next blueprint. So, we did sensual we did energetic, sexual is the next one. And we’ve been talking about that a lot because we’ve been talking about the way the culture is wired sexually or thinks that this is what sex is.
So, for sexual, they’re turned on by nudity, orgasm, penetration, what we think of as sex in our culture. When we’re thinking of the definition of sex, that’s limited. That is their definition. Are they the low?
[00:35:43] Gabby Reece: men on the pole? Because I almost identify with that. I’m like, maybe I’m really limited.
[00:35:50] Jaiya: No, I think of it more as there isn’t like a hierarchy in this, but the shadow side of the sexual is this limited definition. Yeah. This is what sex is. Let’s get to it. And then I have sex in order to feel better. Like I checked something off or, I now can relax because we’ve done the thing. Yeah. That is very sexual. And so, there is a… Not a lacking depth within the sexual. I think, again, that can be a misnomer, but that there is actually this beautiful enjoyment of sex and celebration of sex.
And that is their positive aspect. But again, missing the journey, missing out on the whole gamut of what is there to be experienced. For example, for an energetic sex, the definition of sex is very different. That is sexual. And so, you get these two people together and it looks like, oh my gosh, how are we going to bridge that gap?
[00:36:44] Jaiya: But it is bridgeable.
[00:36:44] Gabby Reece: What? Okay. So, if Ian, I’m sorry, I, but you guys have talked a little bit about this. If Ian is more of a sensual and a little bit of a kinky, what were you shifting towards? So, on
[00:36:55] Jaiya: the test, I was zero kinky. Interesting. Which is the next one we haven’t talked about yet. Yeah, we’ll get there. We’ll talk about it.
[00:37:01] Gabby Reece: That word alone. Put the children away. But it’s not really that. Not really.
[00:37:06] Jaiya: No. So, zero kinky on my test and he was zero sexual. My highest was sexual. His highest was about even sensual kinky. Interesting. So, you can see how we’re completely opposite. Learning. And I think a lot of people listening can go, Oh, I’m an energetic and my partner’s a sexual or, Oh, I’m a sensual. My partner’s a sexual. That means we’re not meant to be together or that means we’re incompatible. Actually, not at all. I think it’s just teaching each other. Yeah. A willingness to learn.
And then we begin to create more wholeness as we expand into other blueprint
[00:37:38] Gabby Reece: territory. So, when you’re saying you’re not a kinky, I can relate to that. Cause I, I scored higher as a, I can see that. It feels very blue collar to me. I’m just disappointed in myself on that. I saw that and I was like, big surprise, but I do have a little sensual in there, which I thought was interesting.
But is, no, just in, in looking at this and learning the language where you say you’re not a kinky, but you’re like, okay, I’m doing a dance. I’ve got the underwear on, but that is, was that just cause that’s what I think you need. And so, we can get to it kind of thing. Yeah. It was
[00:38:08] Jaiya: like, okay, let me put on the G string and be sexy. Sexual because that’s what men are supposed to like, right?
[00:38:14] Gabby Reece: Did you lead in the doorway and do the whole thing?
[00:38:16] Jaiya: No, I’ve been on the floor doing the cat thing with my butt in the air. Trying to get them all turned on. And Ian was probably,
[00:38:21] Gabby Reece: it would’ve been great to have a tape recording of what was going on.
[00:38:26] Jaiya: So, let’s talk about that is too obvious. Yes. He said that to me. And at that time, I didn’t have the blueprints. So, I was like, if I would have known, I would have gone, Oh, he’s not a sexual, right? I’ve been
[00:38:36] Gabby Reece: taking this all wrong. Cause what is the kinky? What is it, what?
[00:38:39] Jaiya: is, so kinky is what’s taboo. Ooh. So, whatever is taboo for you though, that’s the definition. So, if somewhere in your mapping, something became taboo. So, for example, I’m working with a couple they’d 40 years. He was in seminary at one point. So, like they got this message that missionary position was the only position that they could have sex in. And they did it once a week. Was that on the same day? It was on the same day. No, come on. And so, 40 years of that. Yeah. You start to go.
[00:39:08] Gabby Reece: This is. Bored. Why was it the same day? Cause that was just the time. Their schedules. They had decided. And that was the schedule. The golf practice allowed. And her. All of that. Card game and whatever.
[00:39:16] Jaiya: All of that. It’s just how they had organized life. How do they arrive to?
[00:39:21] Gabby Reece: come to you? That is amazing.
[00:39:22] Jaiya: I’m not sure how they found me. Come on. That’s a big move. It is a big move. And so that’s the courage I’m talking about. It takes this courage in your life to go, wait a minute, I want to make a change.
Something feels like we’re two passing ships in the night, and we’re becoming friends instead of lovers. And oftentimes people will have a renaissance somewhere. You have to recreate; you have to innovate in relationship. And so luckily, they were like, okay, it’s time for us to innovate. And then they found me, and we started in and it was like, okay everything is kinky because everything is taboo for them.
Anything outside of that is now taboo. And so kinky was their primary blueprint because that’s out of missionary position. Yeah, kinky shapeshifter. Oh, but this myth going out of missionary position was very naughty for them just to try to change it up a little bit. So, I want to broaden this definition of kink because I think we think of one particular aspect of kink that is this like whips change and there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s just that I think that all of our brains go there when we think of kink as opposed to no kink is anything that’s outside of your comfort zone. Yeah. What’s become taboo? And there’s two different aspects of that. And so that can be psychological. Like I want to play in submissive or dominance or I want to play more in a power dynamic between the two of us that feels really hot and more in my mind, more psychological. And so, then the other is sensation.
[00:40:51] Gabby Reece: Are women more in the psychological and men more in the
[00:40:55] Jaiya: No, I wouldn’t say that I’ve seen it so much based on gender because both of them can like to play and play in that for sure. And then there’s some people who are switch and they like to do switch in between in the bedroom.
And then there’s a cessation based, and sensation based is when you like the sensation of the rope, for example, constriction or intense. experiences of spanking or something like that where there’s an intense sensation. And that can be, feel like naughty. Oh, I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m not supposed to be experiencing this intense sensation.
But what’s interesting here, we, in the sensual, the sensual can get caught in their head a lot and not in their body. And I think it’s interesting that Ian’s map is a sensual kinky because here he’s very sensual but the sensual shadow being, I got this to do list I’ve got to do, it’s hard for me to get into the erotic experience.
And what I found is by using intense sensation, it shuts that off. You got him focused.
[00:41:48] Gabby Reece: Yeah. You’re like, here
[00:41:49] Jaiya: we are, baby. Yeah. So intense sensation can sometimes help a sensual or a blindfold can help a sensual to shut off the brain when it’s trying to do all those things. And I think that oftentimes that’s why those two blueprints play really well together is because those intense sensations or putting on a blindfold or doing something that takes away a sense or takes away a power can help people drop into the erotic experience.
[00:42:13] Gabby Reece: I can’t help but think when we’re sitting here talking, and obviously the last time we talked we had a different type of conversation because Neil Strauss was involved. Yay Neil! I love you Neil. We’re so far away. We haven’t been educated at all about ourselves and our sexuality. I agree. And even, because let me oversimplify it, let’s say one of my pursuits is to try to be the best.
Kindest version of myself and high performing in all areas, whatever that means for me. And if I haven’t even hardly associated part of that with the conversation that we’re having now so that I can not only be better. for myself in that way, but then for my partner. So, I find it so interesting when I, when you really step back and look at the layers that we never address.
It’s really interesting. And most people will not learn this, they’re not going to be sick and curious by nature. This is obviously a path that you were on. That they’re going to have to wait until they’re adults, maybe be in a relationship. And go, something’s not working, okay, let’s go get educated or more tools, if you will.
[00:43:25] Jaiya: And the majority of people think something’s wrong with us if we need to get education. So, most people are not very proactive around sexuality to be preventative before it even starts. Yeah. And then it’s interesting, this conversation about what’s the best version of ourselves. And that used to be, like, such a driving question for me.
It’s what’s the best version? How do I make it even better? How do I make myself even better? And a constant pursuit for that. And in sexuality, I’m always exploring what is erotically possible. What else is possible? And I think one of the things I discovered in my journey is that the best version of myself was me. Yeah. The best version of you is you. But your whole you.
[00:44:03] Gabby Reece: Your whole you. Not one shoved in closets or quieted over
[00:44:08] Jaiya: here. All aspects of you get to come. Yeah. And be part of your eroticism. You’re mad? How does that become part of your eroticism? You’re joyous? How does that become part of your eroticism? Because the erotic accepts everything. Look at life. It’s all an acceptance. And so, if you bring your sadness bring your tiredness, bring it. Don’t think I have to compartmentalize it. These things from the erotic, right?
[00:44:29] Gabby Reece: And that’s what maybe also makes it different. And each time, because it’s your, who you are in that moment. Absolutely.
[00:44:39] Jaiya: think, okay. That’s the best sex when you bring you to it.
[00:44:42] Gabby Reece: Because then you’re actually there and present and participating with your real self, not just going through the motions and, checking, like you said, checking a box. Okay. So, I’m going to add, wait we’re missing one. The shape shifter. Oh, the shape shifter. Yeah. Yeah. I love that.
[00:44:58] Jaiya: So, the shape shifter is someone who is all of these. And they can shapeshift easily amongst all of them, their full spectrum and their sexuality. And they’re great lovers. That’s a superpower.
[00:45:08] Gabby Reece: What’s up with that? How does somebody get to be a shapeshifter? Is that mean, is that sort of mean it’s possible that’s actually what we all are meant to be? That’s exactly it. And they’re just healthy fucking people. That’s exactly it. That are like. What do you want?
[00:45:20] Jaiya: to do full spectrum sexuality is the shape shifter and my supposition I don’t have research on this, but my supposition is that we are all shape shifters but what happens is that we get wired and programmed? Not to accept all the aspects of ourselves, especially in eroticism. And so, then that shapes I think when you’re looking at your blueprint type, you’re actually looking at a limitation and then you get to expand into the fullness, which is the shape shifter. The shadow side of the shape shifter, however, is that because most people are not evolved into the shape shifter is that.
They feel like they’re too much. They feel like they’re too complex. And I like to shift that frame to say, no, you’re not too complex. You’re actually just erotically sophisticated and erotically intelligent and whole. And the rest of society hasn’t yet grown into the fullness of who they are erotically.
We’re just touching the tip of the iceberg of what’s
[00:46:15] Gabby Reece: possible. Yeah, that makes sense. And you won’t experience this because of your education. But I have experienced as a parent learning very early. I had one daughter in particular where I was like, Oh, in certain ways I’m not equipped. I could sense that off of her that she was much more complex. Sexuality naturally, I’m not talking about like some way she was acting out, I could just tell by the time she was young that this was a more evolved person. And I remember thinking, Oh, it’s going to be interesting. I can identify that and be open about that. But in some ways. I’m not going to probably know how to help
[00:46:55] Jaiya: you there, it’s interesting, talking with our kids about sex and how, what are the messages that we’re giving them just from the way that we act when they go to ask us a question or, and so I parents always are saying, how do I help my kids in this area and I often say the best thing you can do is just keep working on yourself.
Because when your fuller spectrum then you can pass that along when you have that openness. But your openness alone is just huge because what did so many of us get? I mean you had more liberal parents but so many people didn’t get any kind of sex education at all. And we’re always educating our children about sex even if we’re not speaking about it.
If we’re not speaking about it. we’re giving them the education that it’s not okay to speak about it. Yeah. If we’re saying certain things are bad and wrong, then we are then creating a curiosity oftentimes, because when they get into teenage years, they want to rebel against parents and do the opposite.
And so then how do we give just like anything in the world, how do we give them the opportunity to use the tool with consciousness and wisdom? And. That comes from your own wisdom and your own consciousness. And if you don’t have it, at least to be able to recognize maybe I can lead in a way to someone who has that wisdom and consciousness to be able to help them on their journey.
[00:48:20] Gabby Reece: Okay, so I you know, there’s this battle sometimes around sex because there’s this implication like it’s a spiritual act There’s something if you’re in a relationship I’m just making it up. Let’s just say in the world scenario that if you’re in a relationship It’s clean.
It’s good, right? Versus Over here on this other side and of course, unless it’s two consulting, consenting adults, but that with within reason, like if you’re out going out every night and you’re taking a different lover and that’s fun for you and fun for them, I guess because it’s this interesting thing of, I feel like people would talk more openly and fully about it.
Because if, but that if they didn’t equate it with, Oh, you’re just taking multiple lovers or you’re in an open relationship versus you’re in a committed relationship, how do you maybe you can help me understand this better because sometimes, and I could be wrong, it feels also like a different type of escape from something else or an acting out of through sex versus, Cause I don’t know the, who am I to say what are the reasons to have sex?
[00:49:44] Jaiya: Yeah, I think that the interesting thing here is where is the desire to have sex coming from? Or, and then you’re also talking about relationship and pair bonding. So, what is underneath all of it? What is the cause of the way that we are being in the world? Yeah. And I really like to look at it from, is it causing you distress? Does it feel healthful to you? Is it what you actually want? Or are you just trying to fill something that’s empty? Are you just trying to get a need met that isn’t being met elsewhere? What is it that you’re coming from in terms of your own consciousness? And are you doing this consciously? Or are you doing this unconsciously where it is something that is actually detrimental as opposed to a choice?
Are you actually a choice here? Are you responding out of trauma, out of a need that’s not getting met, out of something that is completely unconscious that you don’t even know is there, that your system is trying to heal? Or are you actually in a healthy version? Because we can be in an unhealthy monogamous relationship.
Sure. Just as much. And I see this, in, in clients who have abusive situations going on or something like that, where it’s actually a really unhealthy relationship that they’re in. And maybe there’s a different choice there because they’ve tried everything, and they stayed committed into something that isn’t good for them anymore.
And same thing, even with polyamory or an open relationship, there’s people who think that’s more evolved. I don’t necessarily think it’s more evolved. It’s what are you? In is where the evolution is happening. So, if you’re choosing polyamory or an open relationship, I see a lot of people who cheat in that.
[00:51:26] Gabby Reece: It’s like, how can you cheat when you’re polyamorous? Is that for real? Yeah. And so
[00:51:30] Jaiya: They’ll have agreements with their lovers and then go break them. And so, what’s that about? What’s happening inside that’s causing that breakdown to even happen? Or it’s very unhealthy way because your body is actually saying, no, I don’t want my partner to be.
Open and it’s hurting me every time they’re with another lover. That’s not helpful, but we do things because we are afraid to lose love. We do things because we want to keep love. And so that just looking really closely at yourself of What am I denying? What am I doing? What am I practicing in my life that is it bringing me toward more wholeness and consciousness and awakens and health?
Or is it taking me away from those things? And to be courageous, we’ve been using this term about bravery, to be courageous enough to say. I can love, and it doesn’t mean that I have to allow that close to me. I can love, and I can love you, but this dynamic, this real form of relationship, or this way of practicing sexuality, isn’t healthful.
And so, I’m going to make another choice, because I love myself. And I think that fundamentally, I know its really cliché to say, and I think a lot of people do not understand what unconditional love for yourself is. really is. I thought I understood it. And then someone said, no unconditional love for you from you to me.
And I was looked at him like, what are you talking about? Unconditional love for myself. I can love everyone else but loving myself was one of my biggest challenges. And but once I had that, once I love myself, everything changed.
[00:53:06] Gabby Reece: It’s interesting, even receiving love from yourself, from somebody close, that’s true intimacy. True intimacy. It’s so easy I’m happy to do everything for everybody else, and to receive help or love from somebody. It’s vulnerable. You’ve got to take it in. Yeah. It’s, it is vulnerable. And I think. It’s we confuse that so much. So, when you say that figured out the way to unconditionally love yourself, what things did you do that you created that environment for yourself?
And how, like, how old were you when this was, Brought to your attention. This is in 2017.
[00:53:39] Jaiya: That’s very specific. Yeah, and I was born in 77 people can do the math there Yeah,
[00:53:48] Gabby Reece: yeah, so I know I
[00:53:50] Jaiya: know those years And it felt like I had checked all the boxes in life I had a beautiful home here very nearby and a lovely partner, a beautiful son, had all these successes in life, multiple books, and yet inside it just felt like something’s not right.
Something just isn’t, I should be really happy because I have all the things that everybody said I should have. And I went and got my brain scanned. Dr. Daniel Amen, I don’t know if you know his work. I went and got my brain scanned and they were like Why did you do that? Because I thought something must be wrong with my brain.
[00:54:26] Gabby Reece: The computer’s off? The computer’s off.
[00:54:28] Jaiya: Something is wrong physiologically or I don’t know what’s. Something’s not right. And they found that I had a traumatic brain injury and that I also, they diagnosed me with CPTSD. And for those of you who don’t know what CPTSD is, it’s complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
And I grew up in a very traumatic place. Every day of my life felt like it was threatened. It was a regular thing. So, my childhood developmental brain developed in a soup of trauma. And so there just weren’t things that were quite firing, right? And I went on a hunt to cure this. Because I’d been working most of my life with growth and development and doing all the things, but it was always like I was putting a band aid on something and not really getting to the core of what was going on with myself.
And. I’d always been a seeker spiritually, and of course, using sexuality as a tool for that. And I came across a woman and they were like, your treatment resistant. You’re like, not amen, but like people I was going to is you were treatment resistant. You’re like in the top 1 percent of the level of trauma that a human can experience.
Like it’s. It’s not great. I don’t know if you’re ever going to heal from this. You’re going to have to maybe keep putting the band aids on. And I came across a woman who was like, I healed my CPTSD. I said, what did you do? She’s I don’t know if I should tell you, please tell me, please. And so she told me that she had done MDMA therapy and I, She led me to MAPS and some multidisciplinary Association of Psychedelic Studies and I was like, okay, I and I was a purist before this like Wouldn’t drink water out of a plastic bottle, eat sugar, had not really, I was not into, the fried egg, your brain on drugs kind of thing from the eighties. I had that in my head.
[00:56:19] Gabby Reece: That you can talk about sex on the heaviest level, completely like sober and not needing any lubrication of any kind. Most of us need like a, yes. So, I really appreciate that about you that you’re that comfortable. It’s like a cup of coffee.
[00:56:33] Jaiya: Amazing.
[00:56:33] Gabby Reece: Talk. Okay. So how was that for you? How did you, how did that land that you thought, okay, I can trust doing something like this?
[00:56:42] Jaiya: It was really hard because, and I imagine I kept equating it to what people go through on their sexual journey, like how people feel shame about things or needing to need something or understand something or learn something in sexuality or how much courage they had to have to go into something that was so scary.
Cause for me, this was. It’s really scary. I Had no idea what was going to happen and then I found someone who I could go to and I didn’t trust that, it was like one of those things of I’m doing this thing and I’m, I don’t have any other option at this point at that time. And my first session was an absolute miracle.
And my, I no longer would qualify for CPTSD had a 15 hour, the usually only last four to six hours, but for some reason my system just was like, I’m going for it. And I went for it. And that was part, just a huge part of the journey of healing my brain. And taking it out of those neural pathways that were so deeply entrenched from the trauma and shifting everything.
And in that first session, the practitioner looked at me and he said, towards the end, he said, Unconditional love for you, from you. And then everybody gets it. And that first session, I couldn’t do it. Like all this other stuff, amazing, I could help and heal and see things and go through my trauma, that was fine.
But that unconditional love thing? That was hard because my trauma brain had gone. You must be a monster for Yourself to be beaten in such a way or to be psychologically damaged in such a way You must somewhere be a monster and I couldn’t my magnificence was the one thing that I just couldn’t accept It took me three sessions.
Yeah, and then I finally got it and I finally got it and it’s never gone away since then. I love myself so fully and so deeply. And unconditionally. And because I love myself, I know myself. And the only thing I could do is love myself and knowing myself. Because I am extraordinary and magnificent. Yeah.
[00:58:42] Gabby Reece: And I think everyone is. And they have that right to. Absolutely. That’s what you hope. If everyone could even get a glimpse of that about themselves. And not from a, I’m magnificent, but in that quiet, real rich way. Yeah.
[00:58:56] Jaiya: That silent way of and then you see that everybody is extraordinary and magnificent in that. And you can only love them.
[00:59:01] Gabby Reece: For a parent listening, and you said, maybe you guide them and you’re not inexperienced. You have a teenage son and obviously he hears it even shop talk for him. It’s all around. So, there’s going to be things for him that’s intuitive. It’s just going to be easier.
It’s like in my house, there’s things my kids know about certain nutrition things. It’s because it’s shop talk. It’s around. So, he’ll be, lucky him, he’ll be ahead. As a mom, what’s the conversation? Like, how do without saying age appropriate, but let’s say age appropriate, reveal these options to him.
[00:59:35] Jaiya: Yeah, I think appropriate is a good word actually because we don’t want to give our kids something that because our consciousness is different around sex than theirs is, that they’re not ready to hear. When they bring you questions to give them medically accurate answers. information because a lot of our schools don’t even have to teach comprehensive, medically accurate information at all.
We still have absence only training in a lot of places. And so how do we give, when they say, hey mom, where do babies come from? My, I got very excited that day that question came up going, okay let me tell you, women have a uterus. And then there’s eggs, and he’s we, eggs.
[01:00:14] Gabby Reece: Yeah, it’s like fish or birds, like what are we doing?
[01:00:18] Jaiya: So, I always wait for him, and notice where his limit was. Okay, that was his limit. Yeah, uterus is really medical.
[01:00:23] Gabby Reece: You didn’t even use the word vagina. It was like uterus. Yeah, way to keep him off for another 18 months.
[01:00:29] Jaiya: And animals could have been a good way to explain it as well. You know what? But what is appropriate for their minds? Sure. Even a song on the radio can be an opportunity. There’s a lot of songs that talk about sex on the radio. And okay what do you we do it with TV too. Yeah. Yeah. We saw this thing. We saw this conversation. What do you think about that? So, then they can tell you where their level of consciousness is about it all.
And then it’s an open non shame conversation because they’re actually the one bringing it to you as opposed to you imposing it, especially when they get in the teen years. Like I said to my son, I want to come to your school and do sex education. He’s no, that’d be the biggest.
[01:01:06] Gabby Reece: nightmare. Your mother up the front being like, okay, everyone, here we go.
[01:01:12] Jaiya: And then I’m like if they say vagina instead of vulva, are you going to correct them? He’s no mom, I’m not going to correct them. So, it’s good for him to have his boundaries about it too. Especially in our household, where we, I’m very eager when he has a question to answer that question.
[01:01:31] Gabby Reece: So, I think he, I can’t wait to hear it. It is. I want to talk to your son when he’s 25 and just see, because I just love, it’s like what happens at, out of our own home, and the experience. So, what do you, if you have clients that come to you, cause I’m sure you do you talked about the gentleman with maybe a little bit of erectile dysfunction?
Sometimes you hear stories of women going through menopause and having hard time having orgasms. And unfortunately, a lot of people are also medicated. So, their sex drive is down, right? All these things. And I think it’s pretty common, very common.
[01:02:03] Jaiya: very common. Yeah. So, I think we have a crisis actually around sexuality, around libido, around pain around because we don’t talk about it, but also as we’re going through these life changes and then how is medication affecting sexuality? How are the hormones in our products affecting our sexuality? And so, I think it’s a really important conversation because I do believe that we are in a crisis around our sexual function and libido and connection.
[01:02:29] Gabby Reece: Yeah. And that’s the thing. Sex is a part of health. 100%. And you said the word connection, and that is one of the founding pillars of living and being a human.
[01:02:40] Jaiya: And our youth hormones are our sex hormones. I know. If we, if our bodies think we’re not having sex anymore, we start to shift our hormonal function.
[01:02:49] Gabby Reece: Yeah. So how do you, if someone comes to you and they’re on this list of medications and they don’t have no sexual drive and they’re on these things, how do you try to open up that package?
[01:03:01] Jaiya: I’m always looking at four areas. So, one is what’s happening on the physical body. So, let’s just say somebody comes to me and they’re having pain and I may say, okay, first thing let’s look at where’s the pain. What’s causing the pain? Are its tight muscles? Is there a tear? Is there scar tissue in the body somewhere?
And a lot of people have scar tissue on their pelvic floor and have no idea that they have scar tissue because this is adhesions, falls, childbirth. For those of us who’ve, given birth, oftentimes there’s some kind of scar or adhesion as a result of giving birth somewhere in our body. And midline scars are going to affect libido.
Because of the way that the energy flows in the body. So, we’re looking at what’s happening on the physical layer first. And then from that physical layer, then I want to look at the emotional layer. Okay, what’s going on emotionally between you and your partner? How do you feel about sex? What’s the sexual history of somebody?
So, in the intake, we’re looking at all of these different aspects in terms of, I want to hear their whole story of their sexuality. When did that start? What was their sex education like? Some of the things we’ve been talking about here. And then we go from the emotional to look at the biochemistry.
So now has your doctor checked your hormones? What did the lab tests come back? What do they say is normal for your age versus what is optimal because I hear a lot of doctors say Oh, you’re just normal for your age? I’m like I don’t know if we want normal. Maybe we want to optimize Hormonal state and so working with the right doctors working with the right people who really understand Optimization and can understand what feels best for you and your body And so we want to look at how that’s affecting it.
So, pain could be caused because estrogen is low and now, we have vaginal dryness and you’re tearing every time you’re having sex. And so that doesn’t feel good. Believe me, I just went through this too. I went through it after my son was born where I just, all my hormones crashed. And this is when I first started learning about it was because.
Okay. Hormones can completely crash after having a baby and you get really depleted after breastfeeding and nursing. And so then use
[01:05:00] Gabby Reece: And so then use supplementation and like omegas and certain things to boost regulate everything after I learned.
[01:05:05] Jaiya: Yeah. All the Jing herbs and then got things going again, got my period back eventually.
[01:05:13] Gabby Reece: And it’s been a patient guy. Yeah. Yeah. Way to go,
[01:05:16] Jaiya: Ian. He has been. He’s amazing.
[01:05:19] Gabby Reece: Such an amazing man. I’ve said this many time, when I’m, when you are around a male, who’s been in a long-term relationship with a female, they have an intuitive wisdom that you can’t put your finger on, but it’s ever presents at all moments.
And my husband has that and sometimes I will look at him and I go, Oh my God, he’s pretty patient. Yeah. Cause we do have also three daughters. And I’ll say to him, okay, 15 minutes. And he’ll say to me. Okay. Is that, are those man minutes or are those woman minutes? And I’m like, it’s a good point.
[01:05:50] Gabby Reece: I’ve actually walked in on Ian once and I was like chop.
[01:05:53] Jaiya: Come on. He’s chops. That’s really sexy.
[01:05:59] Gabby Reece: Oh yeah. Seriously. We got 15 minutes. Chop, chop. Come on. Let’s ghost know Laird. Oh, I for PI mean, if you haven’t been in a long relationship, you won’t appreciate that this as much. But literally I’ll go down and look for Laird and he’ll be like, oh, are you ready now. And I’m like, yeah. There’s stuff happening. He’s I go, why do you always make it seem like you’re waiting on me? He goes, because you have the gold mine. I’m waiting on you. cause that’s, you have the goods. Basically. I’m like. Okay. But I’m always ready, willing and able. He’s yes, but you’re doing a hundred things first and now you’re looking for me.
And I’m like, I always say, I really appreciate your willingness to, play along like when it’s time, I don’t know about you, I cannot, I have a hard time having sex at night. I’m tired.
[01:06:44] Jaiya: Yeah. I’m a morning is my not good time. Really? I’m a night person. Ian’s the opposite. Of course. He’s like morning.
Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so, we have to play certain games to get my head into the, could you brush your teeth first at least?
[01:06:56] Gabby Reece: I can’t, I don’t even want to kiss. We keep mints right by the bed. Cause I am like, do not kiss me deeply. If I have like guys are like, Oh, I love your smell. I’m like, no, I want to be, clean.
[01:07:07] Jaiya: That’s a little sensual shadow. That might be a little, you’re sensual coming out there. What? Oh really?
[01:07:11] Gabby Reece: Yeah. You mean that I want to have not have morning bread.
[01:07:13] Jaiya: Yep. Yep. Cause sexual don’t care. Oftentimes they’ll just do it anyway. And sensual are like the breath and make it through everything smells good.
[01:07:23] Gabby Reece: I don’t know. so, you went through this and that’s a good reminder to people is like there it’s nothing wrong with us. If we’ve gone through something, sometimes the hormones get off kilter.
[01:07:33] Jaiya: Your body is supposed to change. My friend Esther Perel. We have multiple sexualities, not one sexuality.
And so, it’s going to change throughout your lifetime. You have children that’s going to change menopause things are going to change again. Yeah. Oh, and then the final one is a bioelectrical. What’s happening on the bioelectrical system? So, on the cellular level, we’re bioelectric before we’re anything else.
So, we’re looking at what’s happening at the cellular level. We’re looking at what’s happening in the energy field, the bioenergetic field of somebody. And those things are measurable. So, we can actually measure like what’s happening in the biofield. Is it with a machine? There’s a squid device.
I can’t remember. Don’t ask me to remember what that squid stands for, but they can measure the electrical field of our organs, of our bodies. Is
[01:08:17] Gabby Reece: that kind of like your life force? If you will.
[01:08:19] Jaiya: Yeah, it’s the life force, but it’s also again, like the cells, every cell has a positive and negative positron, electrons, neutrons. And so, we’re looking at what’s happening there and making sure that we’re in that optimization as well. But like in all of these can affect each other. So, if we have scar tissue, how is that affecting that central governing meridian? And if it’s affecting that energetic meridian, then that can cause lower libido. Because midline scars can often affect libido that way.
[01:08:49] Gabby Reece: So, if a woman has had a C section, would that be a… Yes. That would be… I know it’s not midline, but it’s getting pretty close,
[01:08:56] Jaiya: right? Some of them vary because it goes going from hip bone to hip bone. And then depending upon how you were stitched. So sometimes they will stitch all in one chunk. And then sometimes they… took the time to do each layer. I see. And if they did each layer, then now you have movable layers. If they didn’t do each layer, then it’s all just band together and blocked together. And then that, and scar tissue can grow. So, you know, you’ve got this adhesion there and then how that then it can affect. So, if you’re having sex and there’s pain and you have a pulling pain, like from the scar site or somewhere inside, that could be scar tissue. So
[01:09:31] Gabby Reece: how do you, how were, where do you send people to deal with So
[01:09:35] Jaiya: there’s scar tissue remediation is a new thing that’s starting to happen where more and more people are becoming aware of how we work with the scar tissue.
Ellen Heed is a woman who I went to. So, after I had my son, I had keloidal scars in my pelvic floor. And I went to her, she was, she used to be here in Los Angeles but now she’s up in Oregon. But she… It trains people on how to do the scar tissue remediation. So, we spent a couple of years doing research together with postpartum women to see what the best way was to help them dissolve scars.
And so, if you’re dealing with scars at home, anybody who’s listening, castor oil is amazing. to help break down scar tissue. It has something in it called racinoleic acid. And so, you can apply that passively. If you’re there, internal scars on a tampon, for example. But if they’re external scars, you massage the castor oil into the scar tissue, and it will help soften that tissue.
[01:10:29] Gabby Reece: I love that. Okay. If someone, let’s say we’re all in, if you’re in a partnership and one person you can tell is revved up and they want to have sex and the other one is. Just not, they’re just in a different place, but they want to connect with their partner. Um, we’ve all, I think, been there and you want to please them.
You love them. You want to connect with them. How do you feel about someone it’s not that they are going against what they want because part of what they want is to connect with them and part is you, I can’t be bothered right now? How do you feel about that when they’re wanting to be with them, and they do that? How do you, what, how does that, what does that sound like to you?
[01:11:16] Jaiya: I have really interesting thoughts on this. I think part of it depends on the blueprint. So, if you’re an energetic and you’re overriding yourself, you’re overriding your body saying no, that can create detriment because now you’re overriding your body’s own no.
[01:11:34] Gabby Reece: So, if you’re saying if you’re a sexual, it’s okay. If you’re a
[01:11:36] Jaiya: sexual, it’s okay. Go for it. Because the body isn’t going to have this response.
[01:11:43] Gabby Reece: That’s interesting. So, if you’re really have a more of a record keeping body or sensitive or had other things that you’re still managing, you have to, it’s really important to be true to yourself.
[01:11:52] Jaiya: Absolutely. Absolutely. But if you’re, if it’s just Oh, I’m tired or like that laundry list is going on. Then. You can get into the mood. Yeah. And once you get going and you have that connection, you can
[01:12:05] Gabby Reece: get going. Yeah. For sure. And yeah, for sure.
[01:12:08] Jaiya: And majority of people wait until they’re turned on to have sex.
[01:12:11] Jaiya: And I think that’s part of what contributes to the problem is we think I have to be turned on to have sex as opposed to, especially in a long-term relationship.
[01:12:19] Gabby Reece: Life is not sexy either. Yep. Going from a work call to throwing laundry in the dryer to be like, I don’t know, it’s sometimes just like you said, getting in the, just get in there.
[01:12:28] Jaiya: Just get in there. Make the time, do it, don’t make it rote. Don’t make it so that it’s like every Tuesday at six o’clock, cause you want to have some surprise and some variety, but how can you create the space with each other? Because you do create it and there are all these things that are like feel not sexy.
[01:12:47] Jaiya: And my brain does this little twist that goes, how can I make that orgasmic? I’m always asking myself to keep that pilot light on. We were talking about of okay, can I make laundry different? Like when Ian and I were doing a kink game, when I was learning kink, I said, I’ll do his laundry. That’ll be really hot. Wait.
[01:13:06] Gabby Reece: You learned kink?
[01:13:07] Jaiya: Yes. Who taught you kink? I went to a lot of different teachers all over the city. We did 40 days where I dominated him, and then 40 days where he dominated me. Did you have a preference? I had; I did have a preference. Okay. And you don’t have to tell me
[01:13:21] Gabby Reece: what it is, I’m just curious.
[01:13:22] Jaiya: It’s. This was before 2017. So, this was somewhere like 2015, 16. So you dominated. When I dominated, I felt safe. Yeah. But my trauma came up in him dominating me. And so, we were like eight days in, and I called my therapist and I was like, one, I wouldn’t call a safe word if something wasn’t right. Cause I felt like I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of there was like a part of me that just was like really dug her heels in and was not allowing myself to surrender to him. Ian’s
[01:13:54] Gabby Reece: No, listen I’m the dominant now.
[01:13:55] Jaiya: And I’m rolling my eyes. And so, she said, anybody else, I tell them to stop the experiment. But and I was writing a book about this at the time and so it was like part of my book and exploration and everything and she’s you’re a sexologist. It’s you. It’s I just think we can’t take away your talking. You have to be able to speak. So, no gags or anything in your mouth. And I have, you have to learn to be able to trust your partner enough to say stop, or otherwise it’s not going to work. And so, I had to really learn. It took me like 132 days or something. I think I remember was the number to actually surrender and submit. But, and that was, came out of my trauma, and that, that was the beginning I think of me really realizing the impact that some of it had within my relationship with Ian, was that I can’t, I have such a hard time submitting and surrendering, and that comes from the trauma.
[01:14:52] Gabby Reece: Yeah, because you’ve got to hold strong. Yeah. Because. So, you have to trust people in order to not. And if you don’t grow up in an environment, then the only person you trust is yourself. Yeah.
[01:15:02] Jaiya: Yeah. Which is great. Become very self-reliant. Which is great.
[01:15:04] Gabby Reece: And then not. Especially if you’re intuitive enough to pick a partner that you could be vulnerable with. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
[01:15:11] Jaiya: I understand that. And with him I could be. I think part of the learning for him too was he kept putting on a dominant persona. And he had to learn to just really be in the loving dominant. Yeah.
[01:15:28] Gabby Reece: It’s like watching an actor that you think is acting versus someone who’s, that role is an extension of who they are. Yeah. It feels more seamless. Yeah. You, there’s two more things I really want to cover. You talk about how pleasure and fertility are connected. And I just think it’s an important thing to bring up because I know for a number of reasons, whether it’s testosterone is down or the environment has got tricky toxins in it or birth control has done a number on people or whatever the million reasons are that. People are having challenges with fertility, but you also say, Hey, pleasure and fertility are connected.
[01:16:08] Jaiya: Yeah. There’s a woman who I taught with for a little while. She wrote a brilliant book as Sherry Winston is her name. And women’s anatomy of arousal is the name of her book. And she was looking at how the uterus moves inside of the body.
When there’s pleasure. And I thought that this was really fascinating because there’s little crypts, which we, I think we, she renamed because crypts are a place where things go to die. Sperm hotels, we’ll call them sperm hotels, is what she calls them. And so, the uterus tilts upon arousal and it holds the sperm in there.
Differently than it would if it didn’t. It runs out more and when we have high arousal, we call it Ellen, he and I called it uterine flight and it’s where the uterus would come up in the body and we have a different change in musculature in the pelvic floor as well. So, this allows them the sperm to get to where they need to go more easily.
I love that. And be held in.
[01:17:10] Gabby Reece: Yeah. Poor guys. They need to be held.
[01:17:12] Jaiya: And positioning also has to do with it as well. So, there’s positioning and I’m always going to look at those four things and then we’re talking about things on the physical layer, but arousal has something to do with it.
[01:17:23] Gabby Reece: One of those things. And then I can’t help thinking about now with dating and swiping and internet and it feels like it’s probably pretty hard. I really commend young adults and young people with what they are navigating. Cause you know the joke, it’s Oh, did you meet him in the wild? Like once in a while when you hear somebody like, you mean you met just like out in the wild, or
[01:17:48] Jaiya: IRL, my son says. I’m like, what’s IRL? He’s in real life.
[01:17:52] Gabby Reece: This is what I mean. So I’m wondering in a way to support young people dating and it’s interesting cause it, now there’s feminist movements where there’s groups saying, okay, so now that we’ve gotten this kind of, what is perceived as a form of this kind of sexual liberation for women, even though we’re not really having these bigger conversations, right? We’re having a form of it. But because it’s these dating apps, what happens is generally men would if you took a hundred men and a hundred women and they all had sex, typically on the first time out, men are. probably going to experience a more pleasurable situation easier first time out. Women, it’s a little, it’s a dance, right?
Some nuance, some things to learn. Okay. So now we’re not getting, we’re not as sexually satisfied because of that. And by nature, typically there’s always exceptions. Men like more variety.
[01:18:47] Jaiya: And that’s even what we’re seeing in the quiz because they’re all blueprints.
[01:18:50] Gabby Reece: So, dating app is yeehaw. So, the feminists are saying wait a second. Maybe we were not getting what we want. So, it’s not like more pleasure or more connection. And then you have this other group of feminists that are saying. Men shouldn’t want that. It’s yeah, okay don’t put a piece of steak also in front of my dog and say, no, don’t want it. In a way it’s. It seems unrealistic or unfair.
[01:19:17] Jaiya: And also do we want a world where there’s no want?
[01:19:21] Gabby Reece: I don’t want a neutered human, male or female. I used to use it in reference to like my partner. It’s I would like you to keep your testicles right’s, what I like about you. It’s exciting, but I want people to have this freedom and sovereignty and sense of what do I want? . But what would. How can we support young people dating and going through this way? I almost feel like we’re getting further from the conversation that you’re writing and talking about. Yeah, I agree true Sensuality and sexuality.
[01:19:56] Jaiya: I think that there is It’s a conversation to be had with young people about life and just what does it mean to live? What does it mean to be in life and be an expression of life? And I think it’s a hard conversation because how do we win? If this were, win seems like a strong word here, but how do we win against?
A technology that’s doing something to brains, that’s creating dopamine, that’s creating the hits that hit into all of the things we desire in some way. And then have this other conversation. How do we hit these same levers? How do we even compete against something? And then maybe it’s not against, I’ve also had that thought too of maybe it’s not against, how are we utilizing.
These technologies, how can we then team up? Just like you said, like we don’t want a world where our people don’t have testicles. We don’t want a neutered world. We want. We, how do we then integrate and come from a state of conscious that’s more integral rather than and or because I think we have more and more polarity that starts to happen and then it’s us against them versus with and seeking to really understand how do we date in this world?
How do we, it’s not. It’s not, it’s their world now and not ours. And so, it’s just I think about my grandma, telling me things when I was young, like even using a microwave, I don’t use a microwave now, but when microwaves first came out, she’s that’s the devil, like now almost every household has a microwave.
But yeah. This idea of how we do even as parents and adults evolve along with, but also, we see the detriment of it. And so how do we point that out? I have more questions; I think here on this question than answers. And I think us being in the question. is important. Yeah. And us talking and having these conversations is important of like, how do we reach people in the level of consciousness that they’re at versus trying to bring them to where we are?
[01:22:15] Gabby Reece: Yeah. I think that’s a really Clear answer, because I think that’s for me as much as I like to think I could find answers. I’ve learned I do better when I live in the questions and I just say I’m questioning it and that certain things seem to keep showing up though, like that it is important for us to keep talking about technology and not necessarily railing against it, but trying to figure out how do we live with it because it isn’t going anywhere, but it’s not going to solve all the problems and it’s making a whole other. Kind of interesting world that people are having a hard time in.
[01:22:53] Jaiya: Yeah, I could see a world sometime where people are inside of virtual environments and sexuality is happening inside of these virtual environments where people aren’t interacting with people anymore at some point. Like I could see that, that could happen. I think it’s like minutes away.
[01:23:10] Gabby Reece: War and porn basically drive all technology, right? Pretty much. I’m sure it exists. And then I’m like,
[01:23:16] Jaiya: let’s just have our wars inside a virtual world so we don’t do it here and let’s leave this alone and,
[01:23:22] Gabby Reece: That’s actually a good idea. And then bring sex back out into the real world. Exactly. Do you think, and this is my last question, because there’s couples that, I’ve been with Laird almost 28 years and, you start doing the math okay, if we’ve had sex on average, every other day is, and this is something I’m just going to be totally honest. I think because I have a partner who has made it clear that they would like, they enjoy that sort of amount that feels important to him.
That I, it took it off the table for me. Because I was like, I really would like to be with this person, and I enjoy it. But sometimes it doesn’t occur to me because I’m busy and whatever. And it kept me in a regular pattern. If, I don’t know if that makes sense, it sounds very. That definitely sounds like a sexual, doesn’t it?
Huh. Is that the shadow of myself? You’re like, you’re right on the line, Gaby.
[01:24:14] Jaiya: Shadow, but also I hear a lot of that sensual because you’re like the busyness of life puts you in some of that sensual I just, I want to get to it, which is the sexual, but there’s also like that I’m distracted, so I’m not thinking about it. Yeah.
[01:24:28] Gabby Reece: And it’s not tops of mind. Yes. And but I, it really was helpful that I had this person that is very loving and kind and. present, but it was like known. I let’s like he really enjoys if I make him dinner and that’s happening. And it’s that seems really simple. Yeah, I can do that.
[01:24:45] Jaiya: Dinner and certainty that we’re going to have sex. Yes. Got it. Check.
[01:24:48] Gabby Reece: Very sexual. Yeah. Yeah. Check. And so, I think that’s really helped me, but I see other couples through time. Like they don’t make it for whatever the millions of reasons that couples don’t make it. But I’ve often wondered in the back of my mind, if partnerships have also like a number, like after we have sex 500 times, 10, 000 times, maybe 20, 000 times, like we did it.
That’s it. We’re good. Like it’s done. Like they talk about the seven-year itches when your partner, so when they walk in that your reaction to their smell,
[01:25:21] Jaiya: there’s a biochemical change. It changes 18 months. There’s six, between six and 18 months, there’s a chemical change. And then the seven-year itch, there’s a chemical change.
Yeah. But your own personal chemical changes. Yeah. Birth control affects it as well.
[01:25:34] Gabby Reece: Oh yeah. People are mad about that. I had Sarah Hill on and she’s generally women will pick a beta when she’s on the pill and then when she gets on and people are like it’s okay what do you want me to do? Yeah. I wondered if you have ever in your practice, because you’ve seen so many people just thought, oh they just they ran it. They did it. They ran its course.
[01:25:49] Jaiya: I think the main thing that I see, it’s not so much like the number of sexes that they’ve had.
[01:25:55] Gabby Reece: That was the last time.
[01:25:58] Jaiya: I see more of the game that each couple is playing. And each couple has a game that they’re playing with each other. And sometimes they’ve been playing that game for 20 years. And they aren’t conscious of the racket, of the loop that they’re actually in. And then I get in there and I’m like, here’s your racket, like here’s your loop, this is the game that you’ve been playing for 18, 20, 25 years, or maybe sometimes it’s only four. Do you want to keep playing that game? Know it and then now it’s become aware and they go back in and they start doing it again And they can’t stop they can’t stop themselves from doing the racket the loop that they do over and over again And that’s where it’s like maybe Some space. Yeah, maybe
[01:26:43] Gabby Reece: you work on yourself first and don’t play that game and then some of them go Of, that game sucks.
[01:26:51] Jaiya: Yeah. We’ve been playing that game. Oh my gosh. And they wake up to the idea that they’ve been playing it and then they can’t they start to play it and they can’t tolerate it anymore. And they sometimes will then split up because they can’t tolerate the game. Yeah. Now other couples will go, we’ve been playing this game and we’re going to make a conscious decision right now that game is no longer serving us.
And if one of us starts to play it, because I can narrow it down to here’s step one, here’s step two, here’s step three. Yeah. Yeah. And then here’s where this ends every single time, I’ve watched you now for a year doing this. Yeah. So, what choice do you want to make here? And a lot of them go, we’re done.
We’re done playing that game. And they can catch themselves at step one. It gets easier and easier. And then the neuro, the neural nets just go no cheese down that tunnel, and they stop the game. And that’s where they innovate, and they start to create a new relationship. I think what you just said it’s really important.
[01:27:42] Gabby Reece: People don’t realize that change can really just be a thread gets pulled and the brain goes, whoa, and totally wake up and some things obviously take time, but when you can pull that right thread and it’s instantaneous, I always liken it to the drawing that’s the witch and the princess. And once see one or the other, it’s like your brain goes, Oh, I see it.
[01:28:00] Jaiya: Yeah. You can’t unseen it. You can’t unseen it. And then you become in that moment at choice.
[01:28:06] Gabby Reece: Yeah. How did Ian woo you? How did
[01:28:09] Jaiya: Ian woo me? Yeah. Okay.
[01:28:11] Gabby Reece: You’d be a tough woman to woo. It’s a great story. Cause you, you’re one of those people who it’s so unusual where you can be like you can talk so openly and matter of fact about sort of all things, especially when it comes to sex. So, it’d be interesting to know how someone would actually get in there and excite you and woo you.
[01:28:31] Jaiya: There’s an interesting book called Why Him, Why Her by Helen Fisher, and she talks about oftentimes when we meet our beloved, the person who we are going to have as a life partner, it’s when we let go of all of our rules because something in your life has happened that’s you’re just like, fuck it, I’m going to do whatever now.
And I had just gone through a really bad breakup and I was two weeks into living in Los Angeles, had moved from Ohio, the Midwest to LA. And so, I was in this transition time of just okay I’m going to break my rules. And at that moment, before then I was a raw foodist. It’s like super health nut.
I only dated men who knew Tantra. Like it was… Were you gassy? Come on. Was I gassy? Probably. Super picky. And, I was on a dance floor and I had that night, we were doing contact dance down in Venice. And that night I had decided that I was going to explore my relationship with myself and not dance with any men.
Cause whenever I would go to these things, it would just be like men doing contact and all kinds of dance with me. And I was like, I don’t want to dance with any men that night. And they’d come and try to dance with me, and I’d push them, and they’d think they’re part of the dance, and they’d keep dancing.
[01:29:44] Gabby Reece: Ooh, lively. I know,
[01:29:45] Jaiya: I know. It was towards the end, and I finally had this moment where I had my arms up, and my eyes were closed, and this beautiful song was on. And I was just breathing into myself. And I all of a sudden feel these arms come underneath my arms, and there was this electricity that just came through my whole body.
And I could feel him behind me and my whole body just, I took this breath and I was like, and everything in me surrendered and I didn’t even know who this person was behind me, but my whole body just. Softened into his arms and the next thing I knew he’s flying me over his head Over his hips. He’s dancing me on all these directions and ways My body had never surrendered to a man in that way and then He asked me to go out and took me on this beautiful chocolate tasting thing And I was like, I like this guy and he had his own sex toys.
[01:30:37] Gabby Reece: Oh interesting, yeah, I won’t even get into the cleaning of and the whole thing of sex toys. They were his personal sex toys. Oh, okay. Okay. For him. Okay. So, Jaya, just remind people where they can find you. And also, I want to remind people, you have a free quiz and you have a quiz that’s a little more in depth that doesn’t cost very much and it’s online. Maybe just direct to people. And the new book is your blueprint for pleasure, but you have a lot of other books. If people want to go further back, just tell them all the places.
[01:31:05] Jaiya: Yeah. Yeah. Erotic. Breakthrough. com is where they can take the quiz if they want to find out more. And the in-depth quiz gives you like your percentages of every blueprint so that you’ll know your whole full map on that. And the other one, the free one gives you one blueprint and it’ll tell you like what your primary blueprint is. And then the book, I go deep into even this idea of the games that couples play. Like, how do you unravel the game you’ve been playing in your sexuality? And so, you can find the book on Amazon or any bookstores are going to have it. So pretty easy to find. Just search it into Google.
[01:31:35] Gabby Reece: Yeah. I think what comes to top of mind in wrapping this up is sometimes as we’re all trying to be responsible adults, whatever the hell that means. We have really parsed this out as something else and also thinking, oh, it’s disconnected from God and from goodness and it’s this other thing. And I think it’s quite the contrary. And the more we can look at it, that you take away the stuff that is. It’s those shadows that you’re talking about and that it does become the positive and light and beautiful thing that it really is meant to be. And so, I really appreciate your ability and willingness to straddle those worlds because it’s not easy and not a lot of people can do it.
So, Thank you. And thanks for joining me.
[01:32:17] Jaiya: Thank you so much for having the conversation. It’s been such a pleasure. Thanks.
[01:32:24] Gabby Reece: Thank you for listening to this week’s episode. If you want to learn more, there is a ton of valuable information on my website. All you have to do is go to Gabrielle Reese. com or head to the episode show notes to find a full breakdown with helpful links to studies, research books, podcasts, and so much more. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out and send them to at Gabby Reese on Instagram. And if you feel inspired, please subscribe. I’ll see you next week.
About Jaiya
Jaiya is a Somatic Sexologist, founder, and creator of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough® and star of Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop.For over three decades, Jaiya has been immersed in the study of sexuality including ancient erotic rituals, tantric sex, mastery of sensual touch, pure erotic play, kinky dynamics, and the biology and psychology of attraction and sexual fulfillment.
Jaiya is widely recognized as a leader in the field of sexology and has trained more than 150 coaches in her Erotic Blueprint methodology. She’s the author of three books: Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied; Blow Each Other Away; and Red Hot Touch.