[00:44:42] Gabby Reece: Because then you’re actually there and present and participating with your real self, not just going through the motions and, checking, like you said, checking a box. Okay. So, I’m going to add, wait we’re missing one. The shape shifter. Oh, the shape shifter. Yeah. Yeah. I love that.

[00:44:58] Jaiya: So, the shape shifter is someone who is all of these. And they can shapeshift easily amongst all of them, their full spectrum and their sexuality. And they’re great lovers. That’s a superpower.

[00:45:08] Gabby Reece: What’s up with that? How does somebody get to be a shapeshifter? Is that mean, is that sort of mean it’s possible that’s actually what we all are meant to be? That’s exactly it. And they’re just healthy fucking people. That’s exactly it. That are like. What do you want?

[00:45:20] Jaiya: to do full spectrum sexuality is the shape shifter and my supposition I don’t have research on this, but my supposition is that we are all shape shifters but what happens is that we get wired and programmed? Not to accept all the aspects of ourselves, especially in eroticism. And so, then that shapes I think when you’re looking at your blueprint type, you’re actually looking at a limitation and then you get to expand into the fullness, which is the shape shifter. The shadow side of the shape shifter, however, is that because most people are not evolved into the shape shifter is that.

They feel like they’re too much. They feel like they’re too complex. And I like to shift that frame to say, no, you’re not too complex. You’re actually just erotically sophisticated and erotically intelligent and whole. And the rest of society hasn’t yet grown into the fullness of who they are erotically.

We’re just touching the tip of the iceberg of what’s

[00:46:15] Gabby Reece: possible. Yeah, that makes sense. And you won’t experience this because of your education. But I have experienced as a parent learning very early. I had one daughter in particular where I was like, Oh, in certain ways I’m not equipped. I could sense that off of her that she was much more complex. Sexuality naturally, I’m not talking about like some way she was acting out, I could just tell by the time she was young that this was a more evolved person. And I remember thinking, Oh, it’s going to be interesting. I can identify that and be open about that. But in some ways. I’m not going to probably know how to help

[00:46:55] Jaiya: you there, it’s interesting, talking with our kids about sex and how, what are the messages that we’re giving them just from the way that we act when they go to ask us a question or, and so I parents always are saying, how do I help my kids in this area and I often say the best thing you can do is just keep working on yourself.

Because when your fuller spectrum then you can pass that along when you have that openness. But your openness alone is just huge because what did so many of us get? I mean you had more liberal parents but so many people didn’t get any kind of sex education at all. And we’re always educating our children about sex even if we’re not speaking about it.

If we’re not speaking about it. we’re giving them the education that it’s not okay to speak about it. Yeah. If we’re saying certain things are bad and wrong, then we are then creating a curiosity oftentimes, because when they get into teenage years, they want to rebel against parents and do the opposite.

And so then how do we give just like anything in the world, how do we give them the opportunity to use the tool with consciousness and wisdom? And. That comes from your own wisdom and your own consciousness. And if you don’t have it, at least to be able to recognize maybe I can lead in a way to someone who has that wisdom and consciousness to be able to help them on their journey.

[00:48:20] Gabby Reece: Okay, so I you know, there’s this battle sometimes around sex because there’s this implication like it’s a spiritual act There’s something if you’re in a relationship I’m just making it up. Let’s just say in the world scenario that if you’re in a relationship It’s clean.

It’s good, right? Versus Over here on this other side and of course, unless it’s two consulting, consenting adults, but that with within reason, like if you’re out going out every night and you’re taking a different lover and that’s fun for you and fun for them, I guess because it’s this interesting thing of, I feel like people would talk more openly and fully about it.

Because if, but that if they didn’t equate it with, Oh, you’re just taking multiple lovers or you’re in an open relationship versus you’re in a committed relationship, how do you maybe you can help me understand this better because sometimes, and I could be wrong, it feels also like a different type of escape from something else or an acting out of through sex versus, Cause I don’t know the, who am I to say what are the reasons to have sex?

 [00:49:44] Jaiya: Yeah, I think that the interesting thing here is where is the desire to have sex coming from? Or, and then you’re also talking about relationship and pair bonding. So, what is underneath all of it? What is the cause of the way that we are being in the world? Yeah. And I really like to look at it from, is it causing you distress? Does it feel healthful to you? Is it what you actually want? Or are you just trying to fill something that’s empty? Are you just trying to get a need met that isn’t being met elsewhere? What is it that you’re coming from in terms of your own consciousness? And are you doing this consciously? Or are you doing this unconsciously where it is something that is actually detrimental as opposed to a choice?

Are you actually a choice here? Are you responding out of trauma, out of a need that’s not getting met, out of something that is completely unconscious that you don’t even know is there, that your system is trying to heal? Or are you actually in a healthy version? Because we can be in an unhealthy monogamous relationship.

Sure. Just as much. And I see this, in, in clients who have abusive situations going on or something like that, where it’s actually a really unhealthy relationship that they’re in. And maybe there’s a different choice there because they’ve tried everything, and they stayed committed into something that isn’t good for them anymore.

And same thing, even with polyamory or an open relationship, there’s people who think that’s more evolved. I don’t necessarily think it’s more evolved. It’s what are you? In is where the evolution is happening. So, if you’re choosing polyamory or an open relationship, I see a lot of people who cheat in that.

 [00:51:26] Gabby Reece: It’s like, how can you cheat when you’re polyamorous? Is that for real? Yeah. And so

[00:51:30] Jaiya: They’ll have agreements with their lovers and then go break them. And so, what’s that about? What’s happening inside that’s causing that breakdown to even happen? Or it’s very unhealthy way because your body is actually saying, no, I don’t want my partner to be.

Open and it’s hurting me every time they’re with another lover. That’s not helpful, but we do things because we are afraid to lose love. We do things because we want to keep love. And so that just looking really closely at yourself of What am I denying? What am I doing? What am I practicing in my life that is it bringing me toward more wholeness and consciousness and awakens and health?

Or is it taking me away from those things? And to be courageous, we’ve been using this term about bravery, to be courageous enough to say. I can love, and it doesn’t mean that I have to allow that close to me. I can love, and I can love you, but this dynamic, this real form of relationship, or this way of practicing sexuality, isn’t healthful.

And so, I’m going to make another choice, because I love myself. And I think that fundamentally, I know its really cliché to say, and I think a lot of people do not understand what unconditional love for yourself is. really is. I thought I understood it. And then someone said, no unconditional love for you from you to me.

And I was looked at him like, what are you talking about? Unconditional love for myself. I can love everyone else but loving myself was one of my biggest challenges. And but once I had that, once I love myself, everything changed.

[00:53:06] Gabby Reece: It’s interesting, even receiving love from yourself, from somebody close, that’s true intimacy. True intimacy. It’s so easy I’m happy to do everything for everybody else, and to receive help or love from somebody. It’s vulnerable. You’ve got to take it in. Yeah. It’s, it is vulnerable. And I think. It’s we confuse that so much. So, when you say that figured out the way to unconditionally love yourself, what things did you do that you created that environment for yourself?

And how, like, how old were you when this was, Brought to your attention. This is in 2017.

[00:53:39] Jaiya: That’s very specific. Yeah, and I was born in 77 people can do the math there Yeah,

[00:53:48] Gabby Reece: yeah, so I know I

[00:53:50] Jaiya: know those years And it felt like I had checked all the boxes in life I had a beautiful home here very nearby and a lovely partner, a beautiful son, had all these successes in life, multiple books, and yet inside it just felt like something’s not right.

Something just isn’t, I should be really happy because I have all the things that everybody said I should have. And I went and got my brain scanned. Dr. Daniel Amen, I don’t know if you know his work. I went and got my brain scanned and they were like Why did you do that? Because I thought something must be wrong with my brain.

[00:54:26] Gabby Reece: The computer’s off? The computer’s off.

[00:54:28] Jaiya: Something is wrong physiologically or I don’t know what’s. Something’s not right. And they found that I had a traumatic brain injury and that I also, they diagnosed me with CPTSD. And for those of you who don’t know what CPTSD is, it’s complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

And I grew up in a very traumatic place. Every day of my life felt like it was threatened. It was a regular thing. So, my childhood developmental brain developed in a soup of trauma. And so there just weren’t things that were quite firing, right? And I went on a hunt to cure this. Because I’d been working most of my life with growth and development and doing all the things, but it was always like I was putting a band aid on something and not really getting to the core of what was going on with myself.

And. I’d always been a seeker spiritually, and of course, using sexuality as a tool for that. And I came across a woman and they were like, your treatment resistant. You’re like, not amen, but like people I was going to is you were treatment resistant. You’re like in the top 1 percent of the level of trauma that a human can experience.

Like it’s. It’s not great. I don’t know if you’re ever going to heal from this. You’re going to have to maybe keep putting the band aids on. And I came across a woman who was like, I healed my CPTSD. I said, what did you do? She’s I don’t know if I should tell you, please tell me, please. And so she told me that she had done MDMA therapy and I, She led me to MAPS and some multidisciplinary Association of Psychedelic Studies and I was like, okay, I and I was a purist before this like Wouldn’t drink water out of a plastic bottle, eat sugar, had not really, I was not into, the fried egg, your brain on drugs kind of thing from the eighties. I had that in my head.

[00:56:19] Gabby Reece: That you can talk about sex on the heaviest level, completely like sober and not needing any lubrication of any kind. Most of us need like a, yes. So, I really appreciate that about you that you’re that comfortable. It’s like a cup of coffee.

 [00:56:33] Jaiya: Amazing.

[00:56:33] Gabby Reece: Talk. Okay. So how was that for you? How did you, how did that land that you thought, okay, I can trust doing something like this?

[00:56:42] Jaiya: It was really hard because, and I imagine I kept equating it to what people go through on their sexual journey, like how people feel shame about things or needing to need something or understand something or learn something in sexuality or how much courage they had to have to go into something that was so scary.

Cause for me, this was. It’s really scary. I Had no idea what was going to happen and then I found someone who I could go to and I didn’t trust that, it was like one of those things of I’m doing this thing and I’m, I don’t have any other option at this point at that time. And my first session was an absolute miracle.

And my, I no longer would qualify for CPTSD had a 15 hour, the usually only last four to six hours, but for some reason my system just was like, I’m going for it. And I went for it. And that was part, just a huge part of the journey of healing my brain. And taking it out of those neural pathways that were so deeply entrenched from the trauma and shifting everything.

And in that first session, the practitioner looked at me and he said, towards the end, he said, Unconditional love for you, from you. And then everybody gets it. And that first session, I couldn’t do it. Like all this other stuff, amazing, I could help and heal and see things and go through my trauma, that was fine.

But that unconditional love thing? That was hard because my trauma brain had gone. You must be a monster for Yourself to be beaten in such a way or to be psychologically damaged in such a way You must somewhere be a monster and I couldn’t my magnificence was the one thing that I just couldn’t accept It took me three sessions.

Yeah, and then I finally got it and I finally got it and it’s never gone away since then. I love myself so fully and so deeply. And unconditionally. And because I love myself, I know myself. And the only thing I could do is love myself and knowing myself. Because I am extraordinary and magnificent. Yeah.

[00:58:42] Gabby Reece: And I think everyone is. And they have that right to. Absolutely. That’s what you hope. If everyone could even get a glimpse of that about themselves. And not from a, I’m magnificent, but in that quiet, real rich way. Yeah.

[00:58:56] Jaiya: That silent way of and then you see that everybody is extraordinary and magnificent in that. And you can only love them.

[00:59:01] Gabby Reece: For a parent listening, and you said, maybe you guide them and you’re not inexperienced. You have a teenage son and obviously he hears it even shop talk for him. It’s all around. So, there’s going to be things for him that’s intuitive. It’s just going to be easier.

It’s like in my house, there’s things my kids know about certain nutrition things. It’s because it’s shop talk. It’s around. So, he’ll be, lucky him, he’ll be ahead. As a mom, what’s the conversation? Like, how do without saying age appropriate, but let’s say age appropriate, reveal these options to him.

[00:59:35] Jaiya: Yeah, I think appropriate is a good word actually because we don’t want to give our kids something that because our consciousness is different around sex than theirs is, that they’re not ready to hear. When they bring you questions to give them medically accurate answers. information because a lot of our schools don’t even have to teach comprehensive, medically accurate information at all.

We still have absence only training in a lot of places. And so how do we give, when they say, hey mom, where do babies come from? My, I got very excited that day that question came up going, okay let me tell you, women have a uterus. And then there’s eggs, and he’s we, eggs.

[01:00:14] Gabby Reece: Yeah, it’s like fish or birds, like what are we doing?

 [01:00:18] Jaiya: So, I always wait for him, and notice where his limit was. Okay, that was his limit. Yeah, uterus is really medical.

[01:00:23] Gabby Reece: You didn’t even use the word vagina. It was like uterus. Yeah, way to keep him off for another 18 months.

[01:00:29] Jaiya: And animals could have been a good way to explain it as well. You know what? But what is appropriate for their minds? Sure. Even a song on the radio can be an opportunity. There’s a lot of songs that talk about sex on the radio. And okay what do you we do it with TV too. Yeah. Yeah. We saw this thing. We saw this conversation. What do you think about that? So, then they can tell you where their level of consciousness is about it all.

And then it’s an open non shame conversation because they’re actually the one bringing it to you as opposed to you imposing it, especially when they get in the teen years. Like I said to my son, I want to come to your school and do sex education. He’s no, that’d be the biggest.

[01:01:06] Gabby Reece: nightmare. Your mother up the front being like, okay, everyone, here we go.

[01:01:12] Jaiya: And then I’m like if they say vagina instead of vulva, are you going to correct them? He’s no mom, I’m not going to correct them. So, it’s good for him to have his boundaries about it too. Especially in our household, where we, I’m very eager when he has a question to answer that question.

 [01:01:31] Gabby Reece: So, I think he, I can’t wait to hear it. It is. I want to talk to your son when he’s 25 and just see, because I just love, it’s like what happens at, out of our own home, and the experience. So, what do you, if you have clients that come to you, cause I’m sure you do you talked about the gentleman with maybe a little bit of erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes you hear stories of women going through menopause and having hard time having orgasms. And unfortunately, a lot of people are also medicated. So, their sex drive is down, right? All these things. And I think it’s pretty common, very common.

[01:02:03] Jaiya: very common. Yeah. So, I think we have a crisis actually around sexuality, around libido, around pain around because we don’t talk about it, but also as we’re going through these life changes and then how is medication affecting sexuality? How are the hormones in our products affecting our sexuality? And so, I think it’s a really important conversation because I do believe that we are in a crisis around our sexual function and libido and connection.

[01:02:29] Gabby Reece: Yeah. And that’s the thing. Sex is a part of health. 100%. And you said the word connection, and that is one of the founding pillars of living and being a human.

[01:02:40] Jaiya: And our youth hormones are our sex hormones. I know. If we, if our bodies think we’re not having sex anymore, we start to shift our hormonal function.

[01:02:49] Gabby Reece: Yeah. So how do you, if someone comes to you and they’re on this list of medications and they don’t have no sexual drive and they’re on these things, how do you try to open up that package?

[01:03:01] Jaiya: I’m always looking at four areas. So, one is what’s happening on the physical body. So, let’s just say somebody comes to me and they’re having pain and I may say, okay, first thing let’s look at where’s the pain. What’s causing the pain? Are its tight muscles? Is there a tear? Is there scar tissue in the body somewhere?

And a lot of people have scar tissue on their pelvic floor and have no idea that they have scar tissue because this is adhesions, falls, childbirth. For those of us who’ve, given birth, oftentimes there’s some kind of scar or adhesion as a result of giving birth somewhere in our body. And midline scars are going to affect libido.

Because of the way that the energy flows in the body. So, we’re looking at what’s happening on the physical layer first. And then from that physical layer, then I want to look at the emotional layer. Okay, what’s going on emotionally between you and your partner? How do you feel about sex? What’s the sexual history of somebody?

So, in the intake, we’re looking at all of these different aspects in terms of, I want to hear their whole story of their sexuality. When did that start? What was their sex education like? Some of the things we’ve been talking about here. And then we go from the emotional to look at the biochemistry.

So now has your doctor checked your hormones? What did the lab tests come back? What do they say is normal for your age versus what is optimal because I hear a lot of doctors say Oh, you’re just normal for your age? I’m like I don’t know if we want normal. Maybe we want to optimize Hormonal state and so working with the right doctors working with the right people who really understand Optimization and can understand what feels best for you and your body And so we want to look at how that’s affecting it.

So, pain could be caused because estrogen is low and now, we have vaginal dryness and you’re tearing every time you’re having sex. And so that doesn’t feel good. Believe me, I just went through this too. I went through it after my son was born where I just, all my hormones crashed. And this is when I first started learning about it was because.

Okay. Hormones can completely crash after having a baby and you get really depleted after breastfeeding and nursing. And so then use

[01:05:00] Gabby Reece: And so then use supplementation and like omegas and certain things to boost regulate everything after I learned.

[01:05:05] Jaiya: Yeah. All the Jing herbs and then got things going again, got my period back eventually.

 [01:05:13] Gabby Reece: And it’s been a patient guy. Yeah. Yeah. Way to go,

[01:05:16] Jaiya: Ian. He has been. He’s amazing.

[01:05:19] Gabby Reece: Such an amazing man. I’ve said this many time, when I’m, when you are around a male, who’s been in a long-term relationship with a female, they have an intuitive wisdom that you can’t put your finger on, but it’s ever presents at all moments.

And my husband has that and sometimes I will look at him and I go, Oh my God, he’s pretty patient. Yeah. Cause we do have also three daughters. And I’ll say to him, okay, 15 minutes. And he’ll say to me. Okay. Is that, are those man minutes or are those woman minutes? And I’m like, it’s a good point.

[01:05:50] Gabby Reece: I’ve actually walked in on Ian once and I was like chop.

[01:05:53] Jaiya: Come on. He’s chops. That’s really sexy.

[01:05:59] Gabby Reece: Oh yeah. Seriously. We got 15 minutes. Chop, chop. Come on. Let’s ghost know Laird. Oh, I for PI mean, if you haven’t been in a long relationship, you won’t appreciate that this as much. But literally I’ll go down and look for Laird and he’ll be like, oh, are you ready now. And I’m like, yeah. There’s stuff happening. He’s I go, why do you always make it seem like you’re waiting on me? He goes, because you have the gold mine. I’m waiting on you. cause that’s, you have the goods. Basically. I’m like. Okay. But I’m always ready, willing and able. He’s yes, but you’re doing a hundred things first and now you’re looking for me.

And I’m like, I always say, I really appreciate your willingness to, play along like when it’s time, I don’t know about you, I cannot, I have a hard time having sex at night. I’m tired.

[01:06:44] Jaiya: Yeah. I’m a morning is my not good time. Really? I’m a night person. Ian’s the opposite. Of course. He’s like morning.

Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so, we have to play certain games to get my head into the, could you brush your teeth first at least?

[01:06:56] Gabby Reece: I can’t, I don’t even want to kiss. We keep mints right by the bed. Cause I am like, do not kiss me deeply. If I have like guys are like, Oh, I love your smell. I’m like, no, I want to be, clean.

 [01:07:07] Jaiya: That’s a little sensual shadow. That might be a little, you’re sensual coming out there. What? Oh really?

[01:07:11] Gabby Reece: Yeah. You mean that I want to have not have morning bread.

[01:07:13] Jaiya: Yep. Yep. Cause sexual don’t care. Oftentimes they’ll just do it anyway. And sensual are like the breath and make it through everything smells good.

[01:07:23] Gabby Reece: I don’t know. so, you went through this and that’s a good reminder to people is like there it’s nothing wrong with us. If we’ve gone through something, sometimes the hormones get off kilter.

[01:07:33] Jaiya: Your body is supposed to change. My friend Esther Perel. We have multiple sexualities, not one sexuality.

And so, it’s going to change throughout your lifetime. You have children that’s going to change menopause things are going to change again. Yeah. Oh, and then the final one is a bioelectrical. What’s happening on the bioelectrical system? So, on the cellular level, we’re bioelectric before we’re anything else.

So, we’re looking at what’s happening at the cellular level. We’re looking at what’s happening in the energy field, the bioenergetic field of somebody. And those things are measurable. So, we can actually measure like what’s happening in the biofield. Is it with a machine? There’s a squid device.

I can’t remember. Don’t ask me to remember what that squid stands for, but they can measure the electrical field of our organs, of our bodies. Is

[01:08:17] Gabby Reece: that kind of like your life force? If you will.

[01:08:19] Jaiya: Yeah, it’s the life force, but it’s also again, like the cells, every cell has a positive and negative positron, electrons, neutrons. And so, we’re looking at what’s happening there and making sure that we’re in that optimization as well. But like in all of these can affect each other. So, if we have scar tissue, how is that affecting that central governing meridian? And if it’s affecting that energetic meridian, then that can cause lower libido. Because midline scars can often affect libido that way.

[01:08:49] Gabby Reece: So, if a woman has had a C section, would that be a… Yes. That would be… I know it’s not midline, but it’s getting pretty close,

[01:08:56] Jaiya: right? Some of them vary because it goes going from hip bone to hip bone. And then depending upon how you were stitched. So sometimes they will stitch all in one chunk. And then sometimes they… took the time to do each layer. I see. And if they did each layer, then now you have movable layers. If they didn’t do each layer, then it’s all just band together and blocked together. And then that, and scar tissue can grow. So, you know, you’ve got this adhesion there and then how that then it can affect. So, if you’re having sex and there’s pain and you have a pulling pain, like from the scar site or somewhere inside, that could be scar tissue. So

[01:09:31] Gabby Reece: how do you, how were, where do you send people to deal with So

[01:09:35] Jaiya: there’s scar tissue remediation is a new thing that’s starting to happen where more and more people are becoming aware of how we work with the scar tissue.

Ellen Heed is a woman who I went to. So, after I had my son, I had keloidal scars in my pelvic floor. And I went to her, she was, she used to be here in Los Angeles but now she’s up in Oregon. But she… It trains people on how to do the scar tissue remediation. So, we spent a couple of years doing research together with postpartum women to see what the best way was to help them dissolve scars.

And so, if you’re dealing with scars at home, anybody who’s listening, castor oil is amazing. to help break down scar tissue. It has something in it called racinoleic acid. And so, you can apply that passively. If you’re there, internal scars on a tampon, for example. But if they’re external scars, you massage the castor oil into the scar tissue, and it will help soften that tissue.

[01:10:29] Gabby Reece: I love that. Okay. If someone, let’s say we’re all in, if you’re in a partnership and one person you can tell is revved up and they want to have sex and the other one is. Just not, they’re just in a different place, but they want to connect with their partner. Um, we’ve all, I think, been there and you want to please them.

You love them. You want to connect with them. How do you feel about someone it’s not that they are going against what they want because part of what they want is to connect with them and part is you, I can’t be bothered right now? How do you feel about that when they’re wanting to be with them, and they do that? How do you, what, how does that, what does that sound like to you?

[01:11:16] Jaiya: I have really interesting thoughts on this. I think part of it depends on the blueprint. So, if you’re an energetic and you’re overriding yourself, you’re overriding your body saying no, that can create detriment because now you’re overriding your body’s own no.

 [01:11:34] Gabby Reece: So, if you’re saying if you’re a sexual, it’s okay. If you’re a

[01:11:36] Jaiya: sexual, it’s okay. Go for it. Because the body isn’t going to have this response.

[01:11:43] Gabby Reece: That’s interesting. So, if you’re really have a more of a record keeping body or sensitive or had other things that you’re still managing, you have to, it’s really important to be true to yourself.

[01:11:52] Jaiya: Absolutely. Absolutely. But if you’re, if it’s just Oh, I’m tired or like that laundry list is going on. Then. You can get into the mood. Yeah. And once you get going and you have that connection, you can

[01:12:05] Gabby Reece: get going. Yeah. For sure. And yeah, for sure.

[01:12:08] Jaiya: And majority of people wait until they’re turned on to have sex.

[01:12:11] Jaiya: And I think that’s part of what contributes to the problem is we think I have to be turned on to have sex as opposed to, especially in a long-term relationship.

[01:12:19] Gabby Reece: Life is not sexy either. Yep. Going from a work call to throwing laundry in the dryer to be like, I don’t know, it’s sometimes just like you said, getting in the, just get in there.

 [01:12:28] Jaiya: Just get in there. Make the time, do it, don’t make it rote. Don’t make it so that it’s like every Tuesday at six o’clock, cause you want to have some surprise and some variety, but how can you create the space with each other? Because you do create it and there are all these things that are like feel not sexy.

[01:12:47] Jaiya: And my brain does this little twist that goes, how can I make that orgasmic? I’m always asking myself to keep that pilot light on. We were talking about of okay, can I make laundry different? Like when Ian and I were doing a kink game, when I was learning kink, I said, I’ll do his laundry. That’ll be really hot. Wait.

[01:13:06] Gabby Reece: You learned kink?

[01:13:07] Jaiya: Yes. Who taught you kink? I went to a lot of different teachers all over the city. We did 40 days where I dominated him, and then 40 days where he dominated me. Did you have a preference? I had; I did have a preference. Okay. And you don’t have to tell me

[01:13:21] Gabby Reece: what it is, I’m just curious.

[01:13:22] Jaiya: It’s. This was before 2017. So, this was somewhere like 2015, 16. So you dominated. When I dominated, I felt safe. Yeah. But my trauma came up in him dominating me. And so, we were like eight days in, and I called my therapist and I was like, one, I wouldn’t call a safe word if something wasn’t right. Cause I felt like I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of there was like a part of me that just was like really dug her heels in and was not allowing myself to surrender to him. Ian’s

[01:13:54] Gabby Reece: No, listen I’m the dominant now.

[01:13:55] Jaiya: And I’m rolling my eyes. And so, she said, anybody else, I tell them to stop the experiment. But and I was writing a book about this at the time and so it was like part of my book and exploration and everything and she’s you’re a sexologist. It’s you. It’s I just think we can’t take away your talking. You have to be able to speak. So, no gags or anything in your mouth. And I have, you have to learn to be able to trust your partner enough to say stop, or otherwise it’s not going to work. And so, I had to really learn. It took me like 132 days or something. I think I remember was the number to actually surrender and submit. But, and that was, came out of my trauma, and that, that was the beginning I think of me really realizing the impact that some of it had within my relationship with Ian, was that I can’t, I have such a hard time submitting and surrendering, and that comes from the trauma.

[01:14:52] Gabby Reece: Yeah, because you’ve got to hold strong. Yeah. Because. So, you have to trust people in order to not. And if you don’t grow up in an environment, then the only person you trust is yourself. Yeah.

[01:15:02] Jaiya: Yeah. Which is great. Become very self-reliant. Which is great.

[01:15:04] Gabby Reece: And then not. Especially if you’re intuitive enough to pick a partner that you could be vulnerable with. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

[01:15:11] Jaiya: I understand that. And with him I could be. I think part of the learning for him too was he kept putting on a dominant persona. And he had to learn to just really be in the loving dominant. Yeah.

[01:15:28] Gabby Reece: It’s like watching an actor that you think is acting versus someone who’s, that role is an extension of who they are. Yeah. It feels more seamless. Yeah. You, there’s two more things I really want to cover. You talk about how pleasure and fertility are connected. And I just think it’s an important thing to bring up because I know for a number of reasons, whether it’s testosterone is down or the environment has got tricky toxins in it or birth control has done a number on people or whatever the million reasons are that. People are having challenges with fertility, but you also say, Hey, pleasure and fertility are connected.

[01:16:08] Jaiya: Yeah. There’s a woman who I taught with for a little while. She wrote a brilliant book as Sherry Winston is her name. And women’s anatomy of arousal is the name of her book. And she was looking at how the uterus moves inside of the body.

When there’s pleasure. And I thought that this was really fascinating because there’s little crypts, which we, I think we, she renamed because crypts are a place where things go to die. Sperm hotels, we’ll call them sperm hotels, is what she calls them. And so, the uterus tilts upon arousal and it holds the sperm in there.

Differently than it would if it didn’t. It runs out more and when we have high arousal, we call it Ellen, he and I called it uterine flight and it’s where the uterus would come up in the body and we have a different change in musculature in the pelvic floor as well. So, this allows them the sperm to get to where they need to go more easily.

I love that. And be held in.

[01:17:10] Gabby Reece: Yeah. Poor guys. They need to be held.

[01:17:12] Jaiya: And positioning also has to do with it as well. So, there’s positioning and I’m always going to look at those four things and then we’re talking about things on the physical layer, but arousal has something to do with it.

[01:17:23] Gabby Reece: One of those things. And then I can’t help thinking about now with dating and swiping and internet and it feels like it’s probably pretty hard. I really commend young adults and young people with what they are navigating. Cause you know the joke, it’s Oh, did you meet him in the wild? Like once in a while when you hear somebody like, you mean you met just like out in the wild, or

[01:17:48] Jaiya: IRL, my son says. I’m like, what’s IRL? He’s in real life.

[01:17:52] Gabby Reece: This is what I mean. So I’m wondering in a way to support young people dating and it’s interesting cause it, now there’s feminist movements where there’s groups saying, okay, so now that we’ve gotten this kind of, what is perceived as a form of this kind of sexual liberation for women, even though we’re not really having these bigger conversations, right? We’re having a form of it. But because it’s these dating apps, what happens is generally men would if you took a hundred men and a hundred women and they all had sex, typically on the first time out, men are. probably going to experience a more pleasurable situation easier first time out. Women, it’s a little, it’s a dance, right?

Some nuance, some things to learn. Okay. So now we’re not getting, we’re not as sexually satisfied because of that. And by nature, typically there’s always exceptions. Men like more variety.

[01:18:47] Jaiya: And that’s even what we’re seeing in the quiz because they’re all blueprints.

[01:18:50] Gabby Reece: So, dating app is yeehaw. So, the feminists are saying wait a second. Maybe we were not getting what we want. So, it’s not like more pleasure or more connection. And then you have this other group of feminists that are saying. Men shouldn’t want that. It’s yeah, okay don’t put a piece of steak also in front of my dog and say, no, don’t want it. In a way it’s. It seems unrealistic or unfair.

[01:19:17] Jaiya: And also do we want a world where there’s no want?

[01:19:21] Gabby Reece: I don’t want a neutered human, male or female. I used to use it in reference to like my partner. It’s I would like you to keep your testicles right’s, what I like about you. It’s exciting, but I want people to have this freedom and sovereignty and sense of what do I want? . But what would. How can we support young people dating and going through this way? I almost feel like we’re getting further from the conversation that you’re writing and talking about. Yeah, I agree true Sensuality and sexuality.

[01:19:56] Jaiya: I think that there is It’s a conversation to be had with young people about life and just what does it mean to live? What does it mean to be in life and be an expression of life? And I think it’s a hard conversation because how do we win? If this were, win seems like a strong word here, but how do we win against?

A technology that’s doing something to brains, that’s creating dopamine, that’s creating the hits that hit into all of the things we desire in some way. And then have this other conversation. How do we hit these same levers? How do we even compete against something? And then maybe it’s not against, I’ve also had that thought too of maybe it’s not against, how are we utilizing.

These technologies, how can we then team up? Just like you said, like we don’t want a world where our people don’t have testicles. We don’t want a neutered world. We want. We, how do we then integrate and come from a state of conscious that’s more integral rather than and or because I think we have more and more polarity that starts to happen and then it’s us against them versus with and seeking to really understand how do we date in this world?

How do we, it’s not. It’s not, it’s their world now and not ours. And so, it’s just I think about my grandma, telling me things when I was young, like even using a microwave, I don’t use a microwave now, but when microwaves first came out, she’s that’s the devil, like now almost every household has a microwave.

But yeah. This idea of how we do even as parents and adults evolve along with, but also, we see the detriment of it. And so how do we point that out? I have more questions; I think here on this question than answers. And I think us being in the question. is important. Yeah. And us talking and having these conversations is important of like, how do we reach people in the level of consciousness that they’re at versus trying to bring them to where we are?

 [01:22:15] Gabby Reece: Yeah. I think that’s a really Clear answer, because I think that’s for me as much as I like to think I could find answers. I’ve learned I do better when I live in the questions and I just say I’m questioning it and that certain things seem to keep showing up though, like that it is important for us to keep talking about technology and not necessarily railing against it, but trying to figure out how do we live with it because it isn’t going anywhere, but it’s not going to solve all the problems and it’s making a whole other. Kind of interesting world that people are having a hard time in.

[01:22:53] Jaiya: Yeah, I could see a world sometime where people are inside of virtual environments and sexuality is happening inside of these virtual environments where people aren’t interacting with people anymore at some point. Like I could see that, that could happen. I think it’s like minutes away.

[01:23:10] Gabby Reece: War and porn basically drive all technology, right? Pretty much. I’m sure it exists. And then I’m like,

[01:23:16] Jaiya: let’s just have our wars inside a virtual world so we don’t do it here and let’s leave this alone and,

[01:23:22] Gabby Reece: That’s actually a good idea. And then bring sex back out into the real world. Exactly. Do you think, and this is my last question, because there’s couples that, I’ve been with Laird almost 28 years and, you start doing the math okay, if we’ve had sex on average, every other day is, and this is something I’m just going to be totally honest. I think because I have a partner who has made it clear that they would like, they enjoy that sort of amount that feels important to him.

That I, it took it off the table for me. Because I was like, I really would like to be with this person, and I enjoy it. But sometimes it doesn’t occur to me because I’m busy and whatever. And it kept me in a regular pattern. If, I don’t know if that makes sense, it sounds very. That definitely sounds like a sexual, doesn’t it?

Huh. Is that the shadow of myself? You’re like, you’re right on the line, Gaby.

[01:24:14] Jaiya: Shadow, but also I hear a lot of that sensual because you’re like the busyness of life puts you in some of that sensual I just, I want to get to it, which is the sexual, but there’s also like that I’m distracted, so I’m not thinking about it. Yeah.

[01:24:28] Gabby Reece: And it’s not tops of mind. Yes. And but I, it really was helpful that I had this person that is very loving and kind and. present, but it was like known. I let’s like he really enjoys if I make him dinner and that’s happening. And it’s that seems really simple. Yeah, I can do that.

 [01:24:45] Jaiya: Dinner and certainty that we’re going to have sex. Yes. Got it. Check.

[01:24:48] Gabby Reece: Very sexual. Yeah. Yeah. Check. And so, I think that’s really helped me, but I see other couples through time. Like they don’t make it for whatever the millions of reasons that couples don’t make it. But I’ve often wondered in the back of my mind, if partnerships have also like a number, like after we have sex 500 times, 10, 000 times, maybe 20, 000 times, like we did it.

That’s it. We’re good. Like it’s done. Like they talk about the seven-year itches when your partner, so when they walk in that your reaction to their smell,

[01:25:21] Jaiya: there’s a biochemical change. It changes 18 months. There’s six, between six and 18 months, there’s a chemical change. And then the seven-year itch, there’s a chemical change.

Yeah. But your own personal chemical changes. Yeah. Birth control affects it as well.

[01:25:34] Gabby Reece: Oh yeah. People are mad about that. I had Sarah Hill on and she’s generally women will pick a beta when she’s on the pill and then when she gets on and people are like it’s okay what do you want me to do? Yeah. I wondered if you have ever in your practice, because you’ve seen so many people just thought, oh they just they ran it. They did it. They ran its course.

[01:25:49] Jaiya: I think the main thing that I see, it’s not so much like the number of sexes that they’ve had.

[01:25:55] Gabby Reece: That was the last time.

[01:25:58] Jaiya: I see more of the game that each couple is playing. And each couple has a game that they’re playing with each other. And sometimes they’ve been playing that game for 20 years. And they aren’t conscious of the racket, of the loop that they’re actually in. And then I get in there and I’m like, here’s your racket, like here’s your loop, this is the game that you’ve been playing for 18, 20, 25 years, or maybe sometimes it’s only four. Do you want to keep playing that game? Know it and then now it’s become aware and they go back in and they start doing it again And they can’t stop they can’t stop themselves from doing the racket the loop that they do over and over again And that’s where it’s like maybe Some space. Yeah, maybe

[01:26:43] Gabby Reece: you work on yourself first and don’t play that game and then some of them go Of, that game sucks.

[01:26:51] Jaiya: Yeah. We’ve been playing that game. Oh my gosh. And they wake up to the idea that they’ve been playing it and then they can’t they start to play it and they can’t tolerate it anymore. And they sometimes will then split up because they can’t tolerate the game. Yeah. Now other couples will go, we’ve been playing this game and we’re going to make a conscious decision right now that game is no longer serving us.

And if one of us starts to play it, because I can narrow it down to here’s step one, here’s step two, here’s step three. Yeah. Yeah. And then here’s where this ends every single time, I’ve watched you now for a year doing this. Yeah. So, what choice do you want to make here? And a lot of them go, we’re done.

We’re done playing that game. And they can catch themselves at step one. It gets easier and easier. And then the neuro, the neural nets just go no cheese down that tunnel, and they stop the game. And that’s where they innovate, and they start to create a new relationship. I think what you just said it’s really important.

 [01:27:42] Gabby Reece: People don’t realize that change can really just be a thread gets pulled and the brain goes, whoa, and totally wake up and some things obviously take time, but when you can pull that right thread and it’s instantaneous, I always liken it to the drawing that’s the witch and the princess. And once see one or the other, it’s like your brain goes, Oh, I see it.

 [01:28:00] Jaiya: Yeah. You can’t unseen it. You can’t unseen it. And then you become in that moment at choice.

[01:28:06] Gabby Reece: Yeah. How did Ian woo you? How did

[01:28:09] Jaiya: Ian woo me? Yeah. Okay.

[01:28:11] Gabby Reece: You’d be a tough woman to woo. It’s a great story. Cause you, you’re one of those people who it’s so unusual where you can be like you can talk so openly and matter of fact about sort of all things, especially when it comes to sex. So, it’d be interesting to know how someone would actually get in there and excite you and woo you.

[01:28:31] Jaiya: There’s an interesting book called Why Him, Why Her by Helen Fisher, and she talks about oftentimes when we meet our beloved, the person who we are going to have as a life partner, it’s when we let go of all of our rules because something in your life has happened that’s you’re just like, fuck it, I’m going to do whatever now.

And I had just gone through a really bad breakup and I was two weeks into living in Los Angeles, had moved from Ohio, the Midwest to LA. And so, I was in this transition time of just okay I’m going to break my rules. And at that moment, before then I was a raw foodist. It’s like super health nut.

I only dated men who knew Tantra. Like it was… Were you gassy? Come on. Was I gassy? Probably. Super picky. And, I was on a dance floor and I had that night, we were doing contact dance down in Venice. And that night I had decided that I was going to explore my relationship with myself and not dance with any men.

Cause whenever I would go to these things, it would just be like men doing contact and all kinds of dance with me. And I was like, I don’t want to dance with any men that night. And they’d come and try to dance with me, and I’d push them, and they’d think they’re part of the dance, and they’d keep dancing.

 [01:29:44] Gabby Reece: Ooh, lively. I know,

[01:29:45] Jaiya: I know. It was towards the end, and I finally had this moment where I had my arms up, and my eyes were closed, and this beautiful song was on. And I was just breathing into myself. And I all of a sudden feel these arms come underneath my arms, and there was this electricity that just came through my whole body.

And I could feel him behind me and my whole body just, I took this breath and I was like, and everything in me surrendered and I didn’t even know who this person was behind me, but my whole body just. Softened into his arms and the next thing I knew he’s flying me over his head Over his hips. He’s dancing me on all these directions and ways My body had never surrendered to a man in that way and then He asked me to go out and took me on this beautiful chocolate tasting thing And I was like, I like this guy and he had his own sex toys.

 [01:30:37] Gabby Reece: Oh interesting, yeah, I won’t even get into the cleaning of and the whole thing of sex toys. They were his personal sex toys. Oh, okay. Okay. For him. Okay. So, Jaya, just remind people where they can find you. And also, I want to remind people, you have a free quiz and you have a quiz that’s a little more in depth that doesn’t cost very much and it’s online. Maybe just direct to people. And the new book is your blueprint for pleasure, but you have a lot of other books. If people want to go further back, just tell them all the places.

[01:31:05] Jaiya: Yeah. Yeah. Erotic. Breakthrough. com is where they can take the quiz if they want to find out more. And the in-depth quiz gives you like your percentages of every blueprint so that you’ll know your whole full map on that. And the other one, the free one gives you one blueprint and it’ll tell you like what your primary blueprint is. And then the book, I go deep into even this idea of the games that couples play. Like, how do you unravel the game you’ve been playing in your sexuality? And so, you can find the book on Amazon or any bookstores are going to have it. So pretty easy to find. Just search it into Google.

[01:31:35] Gabby Reece: Yeah. I think what comes to top of mind in wrapping this up is sometimes as we’re all trying to be responsible adults, whatever the hell that means. We have really parsed this out as something else and also thinking, oh, it’s disconnected from God and from goodness and it’s this other thing. And I think it’s quite the contrary. And the more we can look at it, that you take away the stuff that is. It’s those shadows that you’re talking about and that it does become the positive and light and beautiful thing that it really is meant to be. And so, I really appreciate your ability and willingness to straddle those worlds because it’s not easy and not a lot of people can do it.

So, Thank you. And thanks for joining me.

[01:32:17] Jaiya: Thank you so much for having the conversation. It’s been such a pleasure. Thanks.

[01:32:24] Gabby Reece: Thank you for listening to this week’s episode. If you want to learn more, there is a ton of valuable information on my website. All you have to do is go to Gabrielle Reese. com or head to the episode show notes to find a full breakdown with helpful links to studies, research books, podcasts, and so much more. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out and send them to at Gabby Reese on Instagram. And if you feel inspired, please subscribe. I’ll see you next week.

About Jaiya